Inventory

So it's May 3. One, two, three...four days after the end. My brother finally made first dan. I finally finished school. Our house is finally on the "market". (We have a giant fsbo sign out front). I have two A's as of two minutes ago...still waiting on JPN. I have to get my car ready to sell. Have to clean up my laptop and thumbdrive to get them ready for the trip. Gotta get our music onto cds/tds since we all decided iTunes is a failure and needs to die. (On our computer anyway.) Working because somewhere between February and April my savings disappeared. Oh yeah, gas prices went up, I had to go shopping, and...food? Yeah, coffee here, coffee there, Village Inn every friday. Killing my resources. Can't do it anymore.
Starting the 'workout' days now that I'm free of school. It's so much easier to be motivated when you don't have ten hours of homework or a final presentation hanging over your head. That and sunlight. Though I now can't sleep, no blackout blinds. Had to get new, pretty ones for selling the house.
My cat is gone, (Felis). I'll miss her. Saw a run-over dog or cat, couldn't tell, on Lake Otis the other day. Made me grossed out and sad. I wanted to go home and hug Felis. But all we have is Shadow, and he lets you hug him when he wants out...which he didn't.
Our house isn't really ours anymore, we feel like we're renting or something. It's just not home. Displaced is the best word for it all.
I want to get on the road. I want to be there already looking for a house, hanging out with my cousin Brittany and her sweet baby. We all do. Want to go, that is. We. Are. Just. Waiting. For. The. House. To. Sell.
My dad is already looking at resumes for potential replacements. Weird that he has to interview his own replacement, but I guess he has to train them too.
I'm looking at houses seriously now, knowing that we could be down there in a month and a half. I'm also looking at cars. The prices went up as soon as May hit. Ouch.
At least gas isn't $4.40 down there.
With my best friend engaged, I'm now feeling a switch of gears. Things are finally happening. FirePlace is out of my hands more or less, which is good.
My hair is getting longer, past the shoulders down a good four or five inches. Just need to lose some weight. Maybe planting my orchard and garden will help me do that.
Even work feels temporary. And the seagulls are out in abundance. I'll miss the gulls. They remind you that the ocean is just...right there.
Buds are on almost all the trees now, though they are very slow in growing into anything else, no blooms, no leaves yet. But they're starting. It's warmer. Lighter.
Spiritually, I'm a little lost. I feel so...empty almost, now that I'm out of this storm. Confused, and feeling a bit lonely. (Displaced...duh, but shhh...I haven't caught on yet.) Why? Probably because I'm hesitating entering the field. I don't know.

And there is somewhere I want to be. May 26th-28th..
But I have no money. No transportation. And no contacts that I know of. Tulsa, OK. It's the National 24-7 Prayer gathering. My heart jumps every time I hear it. But I am so dang TIMID! It's easier for me to say...it's okay, these types of meetings happen all the time, it's already May 3, how are you going to get there? Who are you going to stay with, or how will you get from the airport to the meeting, etc. You can't even afford one plane ticket, let alone two for someone to go with you (my sister). And how in the world would you even afford the conference fees? You don't know anyone, you'd have to ask for someone to volunteer their time to help you out...and you have no contacts. They might not even want, let alone care about you being there. Why would they go out of their way to help you, a 19-year-old girl from Alaska with nothing but a big vision?
And while these thoughts fly through my head I know they are lies. But why is it that I can trust God to sell our house, move us down to KY/TN, find my dad a job, and situate us. But I have the hardest time seeing him getting me plus one down to Tulsa for this gathering. Why??? I don't know. Lack of faith. I guess I feel selfish. I really don't even feel I can ask him for it. Because I want to walk in His will. I guess I'm a little scared too. Because last time I asked and prayed for something with all my heart, something I knew was God's will, it didn't happen. My prayers were sincere and I believe in God's will (he said I was too fancy) but apart from that, the decision was left up to the person I was praying for. And I'm okay with it. But it's still sore a bit. Just a reality. Truth is it feels like I've gotten confirmation. But I just don't know how to ask. Makes me want to cry. I'm going to start crying. Great.
I just feel the NEED to be there. To BE there. Ugh. My faith is wimpy.
My heart is burdened. And I know that the Bible is where I'll find my answers, so that's where 'm headed. I'll just get it over and done with. Or something like that. Too many reasons to go, though. Too many reasons to miss it. God has placed this fire in my heart. FIRE. And I feel called.

--MovingGirl