The List

As things get accomplished The List will diminish until only the title remains. Then I will write a blog post about it. ;) And as the day goes on I'm sure things will be added, too.

Things I need to remember to pack...

-sunglasses
-windbreaker (BUY!)
-wallet
-sheets
-pillow
-hairdryer??

Things to do:
-buy windbreaker
-get cash
-get uncle's phone number
-make sure he has mine

Tornadoes

Midwest got hit hard and many places are still under tornado watches, some with flash floods too...
If anyone has a few extra minutes to send up prayers regarding the destruction and pain resulting, please do so. I'm a bit worried because the words going out were that it was only going to get worse (after the Alabama tornadoes). I pray for mercy and grace in this time.

Pray with me.

--MovingGirl

Coming to Mount Horeb

Gathered at the foot
of the mountain
of God.
Waiting expectantly
for the word
of God.
We've come together
all of us called
by God.
Gathered at the foot
of the mountain
of God.
Mount Horeb,
desolation,
sun and heat
moon and glow
Yhwh's rock.
The Mountain
of The Lord.
At the foot of the mountain
in anticipation of the words
of God, we wait. Joined
gathered, united,
expectant. We've been called
together for a moment
a sound
rising up within us now.
The burning bush
the small whisper
God speaks here
at Mount Horeb.
God fulfills his promises here
at Mount Horeb.
God gives direction here
at Mount Horeb.
God gives vision here
at Mount Horeb.

We are coming to the Mountain
The Mountain of our Lord.
We are coming to Mount Horeb
to hear I AM speak.
And as we stand together
at the foot of the great mount
He speaks to us in many ways
with whisper and with shout!

We wait upon the LORD!
With hope in our bows!
With grace on our lips!
And humility in our hearts!
United we stand together
and SHOUT for victory!
As we come to Mount Horeb
and hear the LORD our God speak!

--MovingGirl

Vision

Vision of Fire and Youth

Six o'clock and rain is pounding
Arms are raised in supplication
A great sound rises in our hearts
Thickening the air around us

Fire leaps within our bones
Trumpet cries are released
And the horn blows a final sound!
The army of God is on its knees

A warehouse filled with youth
As drums beat out the songs of war
Dancing as conquered kings
Our God, we worship, we adore!

Nine o'clock and drums are pounding
Hearts are surrendered to our God
Holiness is present, evident, here!
Let the Spirit be upon us now!

Peace and mercy, grace pour out
As the Spirit falls upon us all
And as One, rising to our feet
We give a glorious, resounding call!

The house is shaken with the sound
The glory rising up from within
As God the Father smiles down
And sees us wholly praising him

Twelve am and hearts are pounding
The presence of Jesus fills us up
Each life, each Spirit firmly joining
Unity, the wine inside our cup

We gaze heavenward in expectation
Waiting upon our God and King
And with one voice in supplication
We declare his eternal victory!

Shock-waves send us to the floor
Our bodies filled with golden light
Heads bowed in fear of the LORD
We witness our God in his might!

Three am and rain is pounding
The glory of the LORD all around us
We bask in the warmth and fellowship
And smile at each other in joy

For this night of worship is like no other
Never before have we been so awed
So bathed in the goodness of our Father
As we worship him in truth and love

Now as morning rises with the Son
Healing in his wings
Full of the experience of his presence
We go home to our families

Six am and feet are pounding
Door to door the youth are running
Jesus Christ is LORD! Is LORD!
The Messengers have been commissioned.

I can't wait.

--MovingGirl

Battlegrounds

Reading the Three Battlegrounds by Francis Frangipane. I know I've read through it before, found Jesus Loves Me bookmarks in it from years ago. What type of 4th or 5th grader was I? No normal young adult book for me, no, I chose to read about Spiritual warfare...lol.

I'm cool with it, better that then twilight, I say. And I have to wonder if those things are the reasons why I don't have many problems with accepting supernatural and spiritual things. Or even the basics like tongues. I received the baptism when I was young, 10 or 11 and a Holy-Spirit filled friend of ours was playing the piano in the Spirit. I started singing in tongues. And it went from there. Ever since I was young I've been exposed to the power of the Holy Spirit. In my parents, mentors, friends...and in a safe place, too. In a church where I can ground myself of solid biblical doctrine, in a family who is open to the Holy Spirit's work and cautious of going "overboard."

Doesn't mean my life has been beautiful or happy all the time. The opposite is true. I often find myself having to fight tooth and nail for the happiness, such as making the decision to smile up at God in the midst of pain, depression, and yuck. I've been pressed, persecuted, struck down...and yes, not crushed, abandoned, or destroyed. Through the grace of God. Some people look at me and think I lead a blessed life. I do. God has given me an amazing family, an amazing church, mentors, friends (now), and tons more. But I have struggles too. My struggles just aren't the readily evident ones of poverty, strife, broken family, etc. And sometimes I think they would be easier. But God has given each of us certain gifts, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. And I believe that they are always going to be what we need according to what our individual situations are. God promises never to give us more than we can handle.

Mostly, I find my hardest battles to be the ones where I am fighting myself. My thoughts are the number one place where I struggle. Because of where I went those three years, I dug myself into a habitual thought life that even now, in the midst of all God's blessing, sneaks back up. And it is SO easy to go there. It scares me sometimes...I scare me sometimes. But it's a place where I surrendered to the enemy in my life. And now, as God is helping me to tear down that stronghold, he's fighting back.
Seriously and literally, last night was a hard-earned victory. I wanted to go there, I almost did, but I called upon the name of the Lord, and he saved me. From myself. I said, "Jesus, help me, Jesus, help me, Jesus, help me," over and over until I could sleep.

And I love him all the more for it. I understand the psalmist's feelings in 116. "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice, for he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me I will call on him, for as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me. The Lord protects the simple-hearted; I was in great need, and he saved me."

--MovingGirl

Pirates 4 Midnight Showing

Saw Pirates last night, the mid-am showing, and didn't get home and to sleep till 4am. Blah. So tired. And I'm not sure it was worth it. It felt unfulfilled, like they left too many loose ends and unanswered questions...even if purposely for a sequel. Like why the Spanish show up in the beginning, and at the end, with little to no other involvement in the movie. Ghosts, anyone? Plus the...romance...between missionary man and, ahem, Serena the mermaid? She disappears with him at the end. Merbutler? Or dinner? We don't know. Their story almost seemed entirely unnecessary to the plot of the story. Would we have missed it? No, but it made the movie longer. They needed to cut something out to flesh out another part. Like Barbosa. We need more to go on for his revenge too. It as like they, in leaving the movie open for whatever comes next, went overboard. Diving right off that plank into the stormy waters of "why is this character here again?"
Other than that, Jack had his characteristic silliness that drove the first three movies, if not a tad more corny  in this one. With Blackbeard's voodoo he performed I was a little upset, considering there was no reason for it to be there, heck, his ship/sword combo was creepy enough and just fine. And yes, you could tell Cruz was pregnant in several scenes.
A bit too everywhere, they needed to trim their sails a bit--focus on the important aspects.
Final word: it doesn't work too well as a stand-alone, not because it is connected with the first three, but because you know there has to be more coming. Like Harry Potter 1/2.

--MovingGirl

Smile

Sometimes a little post is all you feel up to. My heart has felt disturbed and attacked and yucky the past few days. I scared myself yesterday by the way I was acting. Hadn't seen that Me in a long time. Don't want to see it again. But the grace of God is unending and so gently, sweetly, reprimanding. Takes you to repentance, and forgiveness. And while my spirit still feels at war with myself moreso than I've felt in a long while, I can bask in the sunshiny love of my God.
Days like this when my heart feels like poison is eating away at it: so many downers, bad thoughts, and depression, sometimes a little smile up at God in the midst of it all just pours healing balm all over the hurt. He loves to pour out his love.
So I look up to the heavens, my limbs weighed down by all the blackness, my face the only part above the dark waters...and I look up toward the heavens and smile at my Father. Knowing he loves me deeply and truly and that he will never let go, and as I do, a shaft of light shoots down and ignites my soul, and the darkness screams, it flees, because the Father is smiling down at me.
This is the image he gives me. I love him all the more for it.
So I smile.

--MovingGirl

Gifts

This is what the survey says are my spiritual gifts as of today. What do you think? (Those who know me)...it's always interesting to see how they change subtly over the years. My last one about a year ago didn't even include hospitality in sub or faith in dom. I love seeing the ways I grow. And as I get more experience in some of the gifts, the list keeps changing. :)

DOMINATE:

1. FAITH

2. EXHORTATION

3.1 LEADERSHIP

3.2 ADMINISTRATION

SUBORDINATE:

1. PASTOR

2. WISDOM

3.1 PROPHECY

3.2 MISSIONARY

3.3 HOSPITALITY

Gotta Be Brief

...because there is so much to say and so little time, it will be sort of bullet-pointed, this post.
Realtor's phone call:
So my dad was at work the other day, in the middle of interviewing a guy, and he got a phone call. He answered it and it was a realtor calling on our craigslist ad for our house. She totally ended up blessing my dad and our family through HUGE confirmations and some pretty awesome words from the Lord. She'll be over this weekend for lunch. Ask me about it in person if you run into me.
Then we got all of our salmon canned in bunches of yummy flavors. And no, I don't like fish, but the flavors sounded yummy. We ended up with 120 cans. We were expecting 30. God told us that they will be used to bless others.
Alayna got her wisdom teeth pulled, all four, poor girl, and it really took her out. But it also lead to the next point of Becca's (Daughter of the Most High) baptism in the Spirit. For several months now we've been praying and she's been asking God and doing her bible studies on it and out of the blue she came over to pray for Alayna and it was the moment. Such an awesome story. My first time, too, ever laying hands on someone. It was a pretty cool night all together.
Then we also (my family and I) went over to our friend Christine's house (the adopted family member and former piano teacher of ours that is going down to TN/KY with us) and prayed through and over her house. We cleaned it up, spiritually. It feels light and airy and refreshingly different now. That was cool.
And last, but not least, ten days before the gathering in Tulsa, OK God came through in an unexpected and very cool way. After everything that he had been taking me through, which can be read in previous posts, I finally emailed the 24-7 prayer people down there, got transportation info, and posted my requests on facebook. Whew, act of faith. Then, I got my paycheck and paid my conference fee...before I had transformation down there. And facebook was silent. My email was silent. My phone was silent. I heard nothing. Two days of patiently waiting for that message, that phone call. Nothing. I'd never been so facebook comment-barren before. It was eery. Seriously. Then, on Saturday, my family and I went over to Chris's house to finish the remodeling of an upstairs bedroom (my dad and brother had worked on it till 4:30 am the previous night, went home to sleep for three hours, and came back) because she had a house showing at 1:30 that day. Well, for the showing, she had to be gone, so she took me and we drove out to Portage (Glacier, for the non-Alaskans, about 45 mins out of town). On the drive she offered me-quite out of the blue-her alaska airline miles. I was speechless, which she commented on later saying "I've never seen you speechless before" surely referring to my incessant need to talk. The next day I went over to her house, we got on the comp and booked the flight. And guess what, (When God tells you to wait on him, and you do, this is what he does), the only flight available to Tulsa was through partner airline American and as the only one available, I got bumped up to first class all the way there and all the way back for the COACH price. That was pretty cool, it will be a first-time experience for me.
But one of the things I prayed for earlier on, was that if God got me down there, that he would seat me next to someone with whom I could share the story. in first class, there is only one person sitting next to me. I pray that it would be someone to whom I could share, minister to, and encourage. ;) I'm excited because I'm pretty sure that it will happen. Plus it's a night flight. I LOVE those.
God is sooo good. I'm always overwhelmed anymore. Even in his forgiveness, which will be my next post.


--MovingGirl

Very Happy to Say...

I am very pleased to be able to post the official fact that I am headed to Tulsa. It happened, God came through, and so many other things have happened this week. It's been a God-filled week in every which way. I'll try to remember it all.
Realtor phone call
Fish lady
Alayna wisdom teeth
Becca's baptism of the Holy Spirit
Chris' house prayed over
The Tulsa miracle

24-7 Prayer National Gathering
It's mid thirty my time so I'm headed to bed but I just didn't want to forget any of it. So happy.
I'll write more tomorrow.

--MovingGirl

Praying

I'm headed out!

Haha. No really, I am. And I'm believing God to get me where I need to go. Which is Tulsa Oklahoma the 26th-28th for the 24-7 Prayer USA National Gathering. ;D

Yep, last minute. I'm nervous and intimidated and scared. Not really about the finances, but what it will be like. I'm just a nineteen-year-old girl from Alaska. I keep worrying that I won't meet anybody or that my presence will go completely unnoticed...and the reason that worries me is because I feel like going down there I'm supposed to make contacts. And I know God has all this in his hand, but still, I remain so...fearful. I need to get over it. I need to be more bold. More Audacious. I get intimidated way to easily and I'm always borrowing stormy weather. No one can see it, though, because I keep it in for the most part. And it's like poison that eats away at me. I want to be different. I don't want this intimidation. I want to meet the people I'm supposed to meet. And be excited, outgoing, bold and confident. In Jesus. Period.
I'm, asking God that he would use this entire situation to help me gain a backbone. Because I'm truly a wimp. I'm believing that in my weakness God will be glorified. That he would be my strength. I love him so much. I love You sooo much, God!
Learning different sides of him. Different truths. It's like everyday there is something new. I'm not bored, and I'm not stressed with life right now. Even though some days things are very hard.
Below is a copy of what I'm posting on facebook. Just trusting God:

'Hello all. I'm writing a brief, short note asking for two things:

First is prayer. For several weeks now I have been praying and asking God for a word regarding whether or not I was supposed to attend 24-7 Prayer's National Gathering down in Tulsa, OK. I have been praying about attending this gathering since it was first announced, and have been given a God-birthed desire to be there. It will be a total step of faith to attend, as I am trusting God for the finances and provisions, but I have received confirmation that I am supposed to be there.
I am excited about the opportunity to be at this gathering, because I know that God is calling me there for a reason, and if there is anything that he has been teaching me, it is obedience to respond when he asks something of me...no matter how intimidating.

So I would appreciate prayer because I have about two weeks to somehow find the finances or transportation to go.

Secondly, (and this is my Luke 11-midnight-neighbor-shameless-audacity) I need the resources. Yes, I am asking all of my fellow friends and mentors and family. If God lays it on your heart, I need a way down there. I know I'm supposed to go, and God has told me that faith requires action, a step. And yes, I am intimidated, but I am also elated, because I am walking where God wants me and there is nothing more exciting.
So I need help. It could be in the way of unused air miles, etc. It's God we're talking about, but please, pray for me. I will definitely appreciate.

I can't wait to share what God does.

Love you all!'

Please keep me in prayer, specifically for strength and boldness and the realization that my Abba has it all in hand. ;D

--MovingGirl

Audacity

...Sublime Audacity.
God Calling's word for the day.
Basically this: the unparalleled nature of the willingness to take bold risks.
I Googled both to see the different definitions of the words. I liked them. Anyway, I then BibleGateway-ed it Guess where it shows up? (the word Audacity) In Luke 11:8. The whole section where God is talking about the neighbor asking another for bread. And because of his shameless audacity he gets it. Jesus then goes on to say "Ask and you shall receive..."
Interestingly enough (following the last post), I feel lead today to be shameless in my seeking. In my asking and my asking and my asking and my asking. I don't always feel this way, but I feel like God has been directing me toward several things that say "Do it."
Another thing is 24-7prayer's Greig wrote a blurb on David Wilkerson's life, stating at the end "The simple secret to unlocking your destiny is prayer. Is God waiting for you in a prayer room somewhere, inviting you to switch off your screens and seek his face? Is he wanting to wreck your life for good; longing to give you the ‘Go help those boys’ moment for which you were born? There really is only one way to find out!"
So I went and said, okay God, here I am, at work, can my prayer room be my heart? Can it be here, waiting on customers and sorting books that you will come and commune with me? I want to pray about this thing.
Next thing was my browsing through CAMB. I came across I Will Bring the Victory and read it. My heart smiled. It too, addressed my desire to go this gathering. I want to wait upon the Lord!
So now I am memorizing scripture, or trying, through ScriptureTyper.com, a great resource. I'm memorizing Luke 11:33-36 about The Body, a Lamp. Read it. It hit me in new ways recently.
Oh, and I got all A's this semester. Yes, even in Japanese, which if you go back and read my earlier posts, is pretty cool. That and my poetry made it into Understory (UAA's undergrad creative arts journal). It'll be coming out late summer/fall. That made my day too. I submitted a version of Brother. And another of my older, but favorite poems. I don't know which, or of both, made it in. We'll see.

Feeling abundantly blessed, even in the midst of uncertainty.

--MovingGirl

In Response

...In response to my questioning my right to ask...namely, "I don't even feel like I can ask for it" God supplied me with an answer.
First of all, I got an A in Japanese, in which I struggled my butt through, hard tests, difficult chapters, new vocab, writing, and tons of memorization. Not to mention grammar. I got an A. And I know it is because God was helping me, supplying me with strength and endurance and wisdom. It shows me that it pays off. That there are rewards worth it in the end. And that anything is possible with God. (Learning it all over again.)
So on that note, I went to bed, high on a quadshot mocha, and talked to God. I read some scripture, I sang. And then I opened my CAMB when I felt a peace about it.
He took me to the I Anticipate Thy Dependence on Me part and I read it. Here is a little of what it said:
"Do not wait to feel ore worthy, for no man is worthy of My Blessings. My Grace bypasses all thy shortcomings, and I give to My children because they ask of Me and because I love them, and I do not love one more than another. I give most liberally to those who ask the most of Me. For I love to have thee depend on Me. This is why the Spirit within thee crieth 'Abba--Father.' As thy father I anticipate thy dependence upon Me.
...Think not in thine heart that since I know all about thee, thou needest not tell Me. It is true that I know, but ye need to tell Me so that in the telling ye may experience the release of an open heart and the fellowship of a Friend.
For as ye open your heart to Me, I will come to thee. As you speak to Me, I will speak to you. As you reveal thyself to Me, I will reveal Myself to you. This is a law of life. There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to ring an answer. There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.
Never presume upon My presence. Never assume that knowing thy need, I will automatically supply. Ask, and it shall be given. Call, upon Me, and I will answer thee. Tell Me that you love me, and I will make thy heart to know in a very real way My love for thee and My nearness, and thou shalt never feel alone." (Come Away My Beloved, Frances J. Roberts).
This is only a couple parts of the entire message in CAMB, but this was what he told me. So I asked, and I'm waiting. I asked for His will, and for His favor. But I expressed my desire to go. I told Him the deep longing of my heart. Even though I believe He put it there, I told Him. I love Him. I really do. I love Him so much.
I'm very content and satisfied right now regardless.

--MovingGirl
P.S. Thanks to my FirePlace friends for praying for me. I feel more at peace. Love you all!

Inventory

So it's May 3. One, two, three...four days after the end. My brother finally made first dan. I finally finished school. Our house is finally on the "market". (We have a giant fsbo sign out front). I have two A's as of two minutes ago...still waiting on JPN. I have to get my car ready to sell. Have to clean up my laptop and thumbdrive to get them ready for the trip. Gotta get our music onto cds/tds since we all decided iTunes is a failure and needs to die. (On our computer anyway.) Working because somewhere between February and April my savings disappeared. Oh yeah, gas prices went up, I had to go shopping, and...food? Yeah, coffee here, coffee there, Village Inn every friday. Killing my resources. Can't do it anymore.
Starting the 'workout' days now that I'm free of school. It's so much easier to be motivated when you don't have ten hours of homework or a final presentation hanging over your head. That and sunlight. Though I now can't sleep, no blackout blinds. Had to get new, pretty ones for selling the house.
My cat is gone, (Felis). I'll miss her. Saw a run-over dog or cat, couldn't tell, on Lake Otis the other day. Made me grossed out and sad. I wanted to go home and hug Felis. But all we have is Shadow, and he lets you hug him when he wants out...which he didn't.
Our house isn't really ours anymore, we feel like we're renting or something. It's just not home. Displaced is the best word for it all.
I want to get on the road. I want to be there already looking for a house, hanging out with my cousin Brittany and her sweet baby. We all do. Want to go, that is. We. Are. Just. Waiting. For. The. House. To. Sell.
My dad is already looking at resumes for potential replacements. Weird that he has to interview his own replacement, but I guess he has to train them too.
I'm looking at houses seriously now, knowing that we could be down there in a month and a half. I'm also looking at cars. The prices went up as soon as May hit. Ouch.
At least gas isn't $4.40 down there.
With my best friend engaged, I'm now feeling a switch of gears. Things are finally happening. FirePlace is out of my hands more or less, which is good.
My hair is getting longer, past the shoulders down a good four or five inches. Just need to lose some weight. Maybe planting my orchard and garden will help me do that.
Even work feels temporary. And the seagulls are out in abundance. I'll miss the gulls. They remind you that the ocean is just...right there.
Buds are on almost all the trees now, though they are very slow in growing into anything else, no blooms, no leaves yet. But they're starting. It's warmer. Lighter.
Spiritually, I'm a little lost. I feel so...empty almost, now that I'm out of this storm. Confused, and feeling a bit lonely. (Displaced...duh, but shhh...I haven't caught on yet.) Why? Probably because I'm hesitating entering the field. I don't know.

And there is somewhere I want to be. May 26th-28th..
But I have no money. No transportation. And no contacts that I know of. Tulsa, OK. It's the National 24-7 Prayer gathering. My heart jumps every time I hear it. But I am so dang TIMID! It's easier for me to say...it's okay, these types of meetings happen all the time, it's already May 3, how are you going to get there? Who are you going to stay with, or how will you get from the airport to the meeting, etc. You can't even afford one plane ticket, let alone two for someone to go with you (my sister). And how in the world would you even afford the conference fees? You don't know anyone, you'd have to ask for someone to volunteer their time to help you out...and you have no contacts. They might not even want, let alone care about you being there. Why would they go out of their way to help you, a 19-year-old girl from Alaska with nothing but a big vision?
And while these thoughts fly through my head I know they are lies. But why is it that I can trust God to sell our house, move us down to KY/TN, find my dad a job, and situate us. But I have the hardest time seeing him getting me plus one down to Tulsa for this gathering. Why??? I don't know. Lack of faith. I guess I feel selfish. I really don't even feel I can ask him for it. Because I want to walk in His will. I guess I'm a little scared too. Because last time I asked and prayed for something with all my heart, something I knew was God's will, it didn't happen. My prayers were sincere and I believe in God's will (he said I was too fancy) but apart from that, the decision was left up to the person I was praying for. And I'm okay with it. But it's still sore a bit. Just a reality. Truth is it feels like I've gotten confirmation. But I just don't know how to ask. Makes me want to cry. I'm going to start crying. Great.
I just feel the NEED to be there. To BE there. Ugh. My faith is wimpy.
My heart is burdened. And I know that the Bible is where I'll find my answers, so that's where 'm headed. I'll just get it over and done with. Or something like that. Too many reasons to go, though. Too many reasons to miss it. God has placed this fire in my heart. FIRE. And I feel called.

--MovingGirl

Rings: My second hobby

http://applesofgold.com/HGO-OV28VMW.html

I finally found a website that offers jewelry I like. I've always had a unique taste, and absolutely love the vintage look. Like this ring. LOVING it. Now all I need is a fiance. :)
They are a Christian company, too. Makes me happy. Based out of California, though. I pray that God will not only protect them in all that is coming, but that he would bless them for their business practices. It looks like they follow Kingdom principles.

The Field

I can't really hear.
I feel deaf because of the sudden silence.
I feel very light, and almost nauseous
from the lifting of the weight
of the storm.
I'm a little blinded from the light,
yes, the sun is shining through,
dispersing clouds
and making it hard to see.
I'm confused. Very.
I feel lost.
Didn't think it would be like this.
And now I feel exposed.
Dripping wet, hair in knots
my feet sore, bruised and cut,
I stand here, staring at the field,
at the milk and honey
waving to me from the grasses
and am scared.
To step forward. To enter into it.
This is so sudden.
So bright and fresh and beautiful.
And in the middle, a shape.
I notice the tent, now.
Its flaps are pulled open, inviting
to the wanderer, weary and exhausted.
I stare at it. I stare at it some more.
It's in the middle of the field,
surrounded by golden flowers
and green, bright stalks of various grasses.
It's intimidating.
I turn my head, glance back behind me.
I see trees, a forest.
Not a single leaf out of place,
not a single, frightening shadow.
The only reason I know anything
has happened is because the trees
still drip water. But only as if
from a good rain. Perhaps it was.
I shiver. I'm still standing in the shade.
The warmth of the sun
is still out of my reach,
several footsteps away.
And suddenly, I collapse.
My legs giving way
right at the edge of the field.
Not even a gust of wind at my back.
I start to sob in anguish.
Not even understanding why
these feelings are attacking me.
I sob until I feel a slight breeze
and jerk in reaction. Movement.
I push myself up onto hands and knees.
I wipe my face, shaking.
Shivering.
Opening my tired eyes
I see the shadow falling over me.
But no fear is brought with it.
Instead, it gives respite
from the bright light
at its back.
The form moves, kneels, in front of me.
I watch wearily as He bends down
places hands on my shoulders
and smiles, tenderly, as if He understands
how raw I truly am.
Tears brim in my eyes, for I know this:
I've been waiting and longing for it,
this moment,
where He would greet me
and whisper to me,
His arms surrounding,
"My Beloved, Mariah, you've made it."
My head drops,
and I enjoy the words
even knowing I've only gotten through
because He helped me the whole way.
"Mariah. This is Abelmeholah."
My heart leaps at joy with his words,
knowing that He is sincere.
I smile.
My grin washes away the fear
the insecurity, the confusion.
He smiles.
"Shall we go?"
I nod, and with His help, get to my feet.
With His hand in mine,
I take those first steps.
The grass soft to my feet
the sun a gentle warmth
that soaks into my skin
all the way to my soul.
It is the light of His smile.
As I walk, I find my legs getting stronger
their strength being renewed
and I look to my companion.
He looks to the sky and nods
"It is the re-energizing power of my presence."
"But aren't you always near me?"
"Yes, but you are now with me."
My heart leaps.
Even without fully understanding,
I joy in His presence.
As we near the tent, I feel a sudden reluctance
to go inside.
He understands, and gestures for me to enter.
I go in, expecting the darkness
of the shadows to overwhelm me.
But instead, the warmth of the sun remains.
I look at the sheepskin coverings
that lay scattered about the floor.
I look down at myself.
Over at my companion.
He holds a towel and bar of soap.
I shiver and tears start to fall.
Now I must choose.
To go and receive them...

(I can't write the rest right now, I know what happens next, but it is too tender, too fresh.)

--MovingGirl

Prelude...

Nineteen years...
three years of deep darkness
three months of endurance
one day of transformation
and a lifetime to walk in it.
Three years steeped in the deep
dark, a lie of my own making.
I chose it and I lived it.
I regret it, but only so much.
Because I have a testimony
I hope to share with others
who have gone as far
as me.
God's Grace and Mercy
were my silent, enduring companions,
through many dark nights and shadowed days.
As I walked in a lie.
If not for His love, my life
would not be as it is today.
I now walk in freedom
I haven't experienced
since I was five.
Three years in the dark.
To be broken free, chains sundered
by my God, my Abba, who never
let me go.
He rescued me. He really did.
Set me free from the apathy
of the darkness I was a part of.
Set me free to experience truth.
To experience Him.
Now, nearly a year after my deliverance
I am awed
by the length
of the distance
He has walked with me.
And his gift, to set me apart
from my darkness
and allow me
to experience depths
of Light
that I never knew existed.
I think sometimes,
it is the degree to which you
have experienced the darkness
that you can taste and have the light.
At first. But then He lets you grow
even farther.
I'm humbled and broken
by the weight of his love.
Now, three months of endurance.
And I'm free of one storm. A first
in a way. That I can recognize as such.
Now that I've completed the endurance
training, I can move on to the steps.
The skills rather than just strength.
Three months of endurance. To show me
first, His love. Second, His grace. Third,
His mercy.
As He lead me to the steps of forgiveness.
As I discovered the bitterness of the past
dissolving in the depths of his love.
As He broke down walls in my heart.
As He taught me truths that will last
for all the ages to come.
As He granted me the privilege
of drawing nearer to Him.
My heart is full.
Of Jesus, my Jesus.

--MovingGirl

Engagement

The first engagement is DaughteroftheMostHigh's to her boyfriend of, what...three years? Exciting. I am so excited for the both of them and can't wait till Octoberish when they plan on having their wedding. ;D Deserves an emoticon.

Second engagement...said boyfriend's to a more 'engaged' role in FirePlace. Well, D's too. I'm officially making myself a resource for them now as my family and I get closer to the move. God's taken me through a lot the past three months, and now as the time for me leaving nears, he's been helping me to let go (aka prying my fingers away) of many things, FP one of them. It's hard, it is a vision given me, but I have to realize that it is NOT mine. And it can't be realized unless I allow God to do what He wants. Which I knew in my head, but he has been allowing me to know in my heart. So D and fiance are stepping forward to help spearhead FP. Can't wait to see how God uses them to impact this generation.

Third engagement is that of me and dance lessons. Lol. I'll write out a new 'poem' for that one. But what God has shown me, in part, is that now as I enter the field, Abelmeholah, that it isn't just a place of rest--though I do have that briefly and when needed--it is, in fact, like a dance studio. So now that he has spent three months strengthening my legs and teaching me pure endurance...I get to learn the actual steps. Imagine my reaction when he says "It shall be in vain if ye anticipate resting in a comfortable place. Lo, Zion is already filled with those who are at ease. No, ye shall find thyself put in a place of training and discipline, so that when the moments of crisis come ye shall not become faint-hearted, and ye shall not be the victim of unwonted fear." (Come Away My Beloved Frances J. Roberts, 1973). No, actually my first one was not one of unadulterated joy...I hope you hear my sarcasm. I was pouty. Not necessarily upset, just a little perturbed. Like a kid with their ice cream taken away. Yeah, two-year-old style. Regardless, I was saddened a little.
So my meadow of milk and honey is beautiful and all, but it's the courtyard of training, where I learn to use my weapons...aka, learn the steps of the dance, and the different moves. Pretty, but not just for comfort.
Battle-ready soldiers will come to my field to teach me how to dance. And I will not be safe from all attacks. God will allow them simply so that I can learn to dance. How else but through hand-on experience?
I've already had the wonderful privilege of being hit upside the head because my nose was raised to the sky. Got an uppercut that knocked me back a bit. Fun stuff. But God's grace is that he gives me time, resources, and patience in my learning how to respond(or in this case, NOT) to the attack. I had to get on my knees. Not stand up again. It's amazing how vulnerable you feel down there. And yet I think it is probably the most secure and safe position to be in.
It hurt, yes, and it hurt more because it came from a fellow member of the body. But the reality is that God wants to teach me this: I can see these things coming before they happen if I'm not A.) lifting my nose in the air and closing my eyes in a gesture of pride, or B.) looking at myself in any self-centered way. I also am learning that falling to your knees as a reaction to the punch coming can prevent the impact. They miss. Sigh.
Dance moves. Dance moves. That is going to be my repeated line for a while. Reminds me that this is all for a reason.

God is cool, though, and I am only beginning to understand the blessing and grace he has given me in these training periods.

Learning to dance, getting beat up, and loving the lessons...ahem.

--MovingGirl