So now that I'm done spamming my own blog with prose poetry, none of which was a new creation besides Whirlwind, I'll get back to my usual.
Poetry writing is the way I process things, though. Everything I feel I can usually begin to understand after writing it down, but most of the stuff I write comes out like poetry. Dreams, words, visions, journeys, emotions, truths...it all just come out like a poem. I like that.
Anyway, lots of things have been happening in my life the past week. One phrase that I received in my 13th bday letter was "Bitterness of the past will dissolve in the depths of my love." I'm beginning to experience that promise. It's amazing how much He has been doing in my life, and how amazingly different I feel. It's kind of weird, I feel a little more clear and a little more mature. But only through the dependence I have in Him right now. It's odd. I could never even begin to express all the things he's been doing. I'm going to have to make do with the above, because simply, it's all way too complicated and connected for even me.
Forgiveness is taking place, though. That is a big thing. And recognizing places of spiritual bondage that are a result of my own sin as well as things from the past. Going back and burning those bridges and chains through the grace of God. I never realized how deep a lot of these things were until I finally shared with my mom. It's amazing. I feel so...different. I'm not done yet, there are still many steps I need to take for different things, but as I am emerging from the storm, as it lightens, I lighten, and as it dissipates, all my troubles and worries are dissipating too. Not to say there aren't any. In fact, this next week is going to be more stressful and hectic than any other...but I'm free and stronger in places I wasn't before. His truths are being revealed to me in ways that allow me to pursue them. Such as the truth about His word. Well, there are many truths about it, but just getting me back to the point of memorizing it again so I can have it in my heart to call upon. I guess you could say He's changing my heart in order for me to pursue Him better. That might be a better way of saying it.
He's also in the process of helping me to open up my hand and let go of things that I so wanted to hold onto. Like FirePlace. I'm really feeling the push toward moving aside more and more and letting the others involved, Becca and Michael, Xan and possibly a few who haven't joined take over. Let them be the foundation for right now. Because God is doing something in me that is helping me to separate and allowing me the grace to be able to let go and move on. Part of the struggle with this is that FirePlace isn't the group or the activities or the Holy Spirit-led curriculum. It's the people. And this means letting go of the people. My friends. Which is why it hurts so much. But God is gracious. He truly is.
Things are changing. And not just around me but inside of me, and it's odd, because I never imagined this when I thought about it. Oh! I have a coolish story to share in another post, too.
God is good forever and always.
--MovingGirl
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Unravel--CWLA Version
Last night I dreamed a book. I read it. I wrote. I controlled it, I lost it. Waking up, the thoughts and ribbons of ideas were still with me--the making of a whole new book complete and ready. Now the ribbons and streams have drained from my mind, and only brief glimpses--snatches of it--are still with me. The most frustrating idea of hopelessness: a dream unrecognizable anymore, lost in the depths of my memories and triggered by nothing. No hopes of finding that which should never have been lost. And I’m lost, almost catching more, only to have it scatter as my mind pounces upon the remnant…there, but not there. A dream shred by vain attempts at reconciliation. Hidden amid the quarrels and vanities of my imagination it sits. Never to stand and declare its rightful position. Last night I dreamed a book and lost a dream.
*Another CWLA version of Unravel for an attempt at prose that I feel too lazy to actually compose right now. Sigh.
--MovingGirl
*Another CWLA version of Unravel for an attempt at prose that I feel too lazy to actually compose right now. Sigh.
--MovingGirl
Whirlwind
A stuffed camel and cigarette butts litter the little dirt road. The winds last night whirled at so many miles per hour and now the place where our house once stood is empty. The sun that shines through dull, gray clouds barely illuminates the tragedy. Waste covers the entire road from here to the post office on the other side of town. That and cigarette butts. As we all ventured out to survey the damage last night, the only thing we could see was the glowing lights from all the smokes. Somehow those managed to make it through. With nothing else to do until morning, and after everyone was safely accounted for, Roger the postman pulled out his little harmonica and the town took to singing. But no sad songs hailed the night...we built a bonfire out of the rubble, the wood probably pieces of Maybury's house since it had purple paint on it. We littered the ground with cigarette butts, ash, and worries. This morning we all see the stuffed camel and bunny and bear strewn amid the mud and ruin. The camel has a footprint on it. Last night it was just another piece of the darkened street, but now as we survey our small world--torn, shred and violated--it is a child's lost toy.
StormDance--CWLA Version
It's raining again. The eye of the storm has passed over, leaving me breathless to enter the other side.
Now I'm here, and so far behind because I was ducked back into the water without a breath.
I can't see. Can't see anything at all. It's dark and black, and all around me.
The noise is deafening, thunderous, whining...like a black hole would sound if you could hear it.
I'm so battered, so tired, so weak. My muscles are quaking in pain and exhaustion.
One step takes all my strength. I don't see how I make it to two.
I'm cold, always so cold and wet and miserable...and I can't see or hear anything.
The forest around me only exists because I saw myself enter it.
And now I can only place timid hands in front of me to fend off the world.
The Dark Night of the Soul. Midnight to 3:00 am. Can't see. Can't feel anything but fear.
And yet my body moves of its own accord not even stopping to think that maybe I'm moving with the storm, not out of it.
My head is bowed against the torrent--wind and rain, mud and ice all around--battered, so battered.
Can you see it? The storm that threatens looms menacingly over the earth like a void in space and time sending me into the depths of a valley so deep, so dark that the only light, the only warmth is that inside of me.
The only hope is the little light, the little candle flame, the little coal that sits inside my heart like a golden promise, or a memory of better days.
But that promise is what drives me, it gives me the strength the power to put one weary foot before the other on my way out of this forest, this valley, the storm.
Into the golden fields that are promised: my place of rest.
I yearn for those hills where milk and honey wave to me from the grasses. Where the warmth of the sun soaks into my skin to the depths of my soul.
Where the tent is a welcome shade of rest that calms. Oh, the blessed tent.
So I place one weary foot before the other and walk on, hands timid, head bent into the wall of water--into the wind and the storm.
For the warmth inside me whispers, "Yet shall there be rest, yet shall there be peace, yet shall there be a time when you shall dance with joy in Abelmeholah, the Meadow of the Dance, because this trial will have strengthened your legs, your body, so that you can bear to last through the long night."
And so I put one weary foot before the other, my chest warm with the promise.
And the wind howls, the water stings and the earth moves beneath me but I accept it with arms outstretched as I let it take me where it will--dancing in the storm so that I may have the privilege of dancing without--in Abelmeholah.
*StormDance is a prose version of the poem Dancing in the Storm. This is a trial run for a piece that must be submitted to my poetry class tonight. Yep, I'm behind. But when you have two group presentations to study for, 160 kanji to review, a japanese test to study for, an extra credit paper to write, and review of all the world lit. up till the end of the semester, poetry gets put on the back burner. Sigh. I may or may not submit this, but I thought I'd see how it would look. I'll be posting several others I'm sure.
--MovingGirl
Now I'm here, and so far behind because I was ducked back into the water without a breath.
I can't see. Can't see anything at all. It's dark and black, and all around me.
The noise is deafening, thunderous, whining...like a black hole would sound if you could hear it.
I'm so battered, so tired, so weak. My muscles are quaking in pain and exhaustion.
One step takes all my strength. I don't see how I make it to two.
I'm cold, always so cold and wet and miserable...and I can't see or hear anything.
The forest around me only exists because I saw myself enter it.
And now I can only place timid hands in front of me to fend off the world.
The Dark Night of the Soul. Midnight to 3:00 am. Can't see. Can't feel anything but fear.
And yet my body moves of its own accord not even stopping to think that maybe I'm moving with the storm, not out of it.
My head is bowed against the torrent--wind and rain, mud and ice all around--battered, so battered.
Can you see it? The storm that threatens looms menacingly over the earth like a void in space and time sending me into the depths of a valley so deep, so dark that the only light, the only warmth is that inside of me.
The only hope is the little light, the little candle flame, the little coal that sits inside my heart like a golden promise, or a memory of better days.
But that promise is what drives me, it gives me the strength the power to put one weary foot before the other on my way out of this forest, this valley, the storm.
Into the golden fields that are promised: my place of rest.
I yearn for those hills where milk and honey wave to me from the grasses. Where the warmth of the sun soaks into my skin to the depths of my soul.
Where the tent is a welcome shade of rest that calms. Oh, the blessed tent.
So I place one weary foot before the other and walk on, hands timid, head bent into the wall of water--into the wind and the storm.
For the warmth inside me whispers, "Yet shall there be rest, yet shall there be peace, yet shall there be a time when you shall dance with joy in Abelmeholah, the Meadow of the Dance, because this trial will have strengthened your legs, your body, so that you can bear to last through the long night."
And so I put one weary foot before the other, my chest warm with the promise.
And the wind howls, the water stings and the earth moves beneath me but I accept it with arms outstretched as I let it take me where it will--dancing in the storm so that I may have the privilege of dancing without--in Abelmeholah.
*StormDance is a prose version of the poem Dancing in the Storm. This is a trial run for a piece that must be submitted to my poetry class tonight. Yep, I'm behind. But when you have two group presentations to study for, 160 kanji to review, a japanese test to study for, an extra credit paper to write, and review of all the world lit. up till the end of the semester, poetry gets put on the back burner. Sigh. I may or may not submit this, but I thought I'd see how it would look. I'll be posting several others I'm sure.
--MovingGirl
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Stolen
Refined in the fires of your heart
Like a precious jewel, or a well-used tool
Worthy of the thief who comes in the night
Consumed in the fires of your love
Stolen by the thief in the night I am
Stolen by the thief in the night
Like the fiery furnace to burn me up
Cleanse my soul to make a precious jewel
For my God, the king, a thief in the night
Is coming and darkness will pay the toll
Stolen by the thief in the night I am
Stolen by the thief in the night
Take the coal and touch my lips
Make me worthy of your kiss
Give my heart a brand new start
And cleanse me deep within
Burn away all my sin
Make me worthy of your touch
Fire me up with your love
Burn me up, burn me up
Refined in the fires of your heart
Like a precious jewel or a well-used tool
Worthy of the thief in the night
Consumed in the fires of your love
Stolen by the thief in the night I am
Stolen by the thief in the night
Through that fiery furnace came
No diamond in the rough
I’ve been burned by your love
I’ve been touched, I’ve been touched
Refiner’s fire again
Created so holy within
Fire me up with your love
Burn me up, burn me up
A Song by Mariah Barkley
(But Jesus collection)
3-31-11
--MovingGirl
Friday, April 15, 2011
"That prattles sae lang the day"
I feel like that is all I'm doing anymore. I've come to the realization that when God shows me awesome cool things and exposes cool truths and gives me dreams, visions, words, etc. that it doesn't mean that I have to tell someone. I usually share them with my mom, because I just get so excited...but I've realized that it isn't necessarily going to be as cool or exciting for anyone else. Usually because all of those are for myself, not for others. They are often useful for encouraging others, and I do try to share those ones when the time is right, but I wish I was mature enough to not get frustrated holding things back. I have a loose tongue in the sense that I like to share everything.
I don't know. Here I am again sharing my issues.
"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless..." Ecclesiastes 5:7
I wish I knew better how to hold my tongue. But I figure the closer I remain to Jesus, the better I'll learn to be like Him, right? So the better I'll learn when to speak and when to be silent.
He's been showing me the basic solid foundation upon which any duty must be completed. And that is the simple fact of staying near him. Period. Being in his presence. Daily making that choice.
Practically, how that looks is what we are going to be talking about in FirePlace. I want being near to Him being our primary focus. Because through that everything else happens. And even if we start doing it for selfish reasons, being close to Him will change that. I hope to get addicted to his presence. And I hope that for everyone.
--MovingGirl
I don't know. Here I am again sharing my issues.
"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless..." Ecclesiastes 5:7
I wish I knew better how to hold my tongue. But I figure the closer I remain to Jesus, the better I'll learn to be like Him, right? So the better I'll learn when to speak and when to be silent.
He's been showing me the basic solid foundation upon which any duty must be completed. And that is the simple fact of staying near him. Period. Being in his presence. Daily making that choice.
Practically, how that looks is what we are going to be talking about in FirePlace. I want being near to Him being our primary focus. Because through that everything else happens. And even if we start doing it for selfish reasons, being close to Him will change that. I hope to get addicted to his presence. And I hope that for everyone.
--MovingGirl
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Our Call
"I am about to release My wise master builders. You must walk with them, and they must all walk together. Each of the highways and streets that you saw in this city will begin as a fortress of truth in the earth. Each fortress will stand against the powers of darkness, and those powers will not be able to stand against them. Each will be like a mountain, with rivers flowing from it to water the earth. Each will be a city of refuge and a haven for all who seek Me. No weapon that is formed against them will prosper, and no weapon that I give to them will fail." --Rick Joyner's The Call
I see the place God is calling us to being like that. A solid refuge, a place of rest, shelter, and training. God brings people in, and sends them back out ready to go where he is calling them. Like a castle of old where the young pages and squires would come to train and learn, with a courtyard for learning how to use the sword and classrooms to learn the word. They walk in foot pages and leave knights. That's sort of what I see. I see our land that we own, wherever we are, being made to prosper in order to supply those who have nothing. We will have water, shelter, food...and not for ourselves, for those around us who come to the Lord's castle to partake of His goods.
That's sort of what I see.
However, my mom and I both feel that we are going to have to fight for our land. It will be given to us like the land was given the Israelites, but we will have to roust the enemy off of it. Claim it for God's possession. And start building that castle. So that when the time comes we have to provisions and refuge needed.
The scary thing is that we are running out of time, and I know God's timing is perfect, but there is a pressure to be diligent and obedient. Because if we don't listen to God we will not be in God's timing. So the need to hear his voice right now is big.
On a related note.
Rick Joyner just came out with part 6 of the Special Bulletin which I will post at the end of this. In it he talks about many things, exciting things, sorrowful things. Like another earthquake coming to hit Tokyo that will devastate Tokyo. My heart breaks, giving me a need and passion to cry out to God to spare the people if nothing else.
But he also talks about the fact that we very well might see our leadership pressuring Israel to divide up their land. NO! NO! NO! We must understand that Israel is God's chosen! They are his people and we have the PRIVILEGE and the RIGHT to support them. Always. As the church of Christ we should always be standing together with Israel, and as a nation as well.
It's odd for me because as much as I have a passion for Japan, I have an equal passion for Israel. Even though I understand my ministry does not necessarily lie there, I have a heart for Israel and I am glad because I understand that Israel is a passion of God as well. I'm sure he placed it there, I have no personal ties to Israel. But oh, I love them.
But something Joyner said was that if our government does move to pressure Israel to dividing their land, that the United States will be divided down the Mississippi River. The New Madrid Fault will go.
When we started doing research on where we were aiming at going, we came across this and my interest in geology was peaked. I hadn't heard in depth about it before. I did my research. Folks, if that thing goes, I don't quite know how to estimate the damage besides saying that our nation will never be the same. Physically, geographically, the U.S. will be divided, cities will be liquified, swallowed up, completely destroyed...water flow will change, water tables, the earth will be shaken, the U.S...We DO NOT want this thing to go, and even though the possibility of this happening would be unbelievably devastating, the worse atrocity is our movement against Israel.
We need to be praying that God will save us from ourselves, that he will put people in place whose hearts have been softened toward him and toward Israel. We cannot afford to let them go.
So, for my family. Joyner mentioned that if that time comes if you aren't hearing from God to stay, then you need to get out of there. And yet God is calling my family and I there for a specific reason. And I don't see us being called out again later. Now that could mean the New Madrid never goes, we should pray for that...always, but it could also mean that if it does, that we are going to have a purpose there.
It's kind of weird. Because every day the vision of what God is calling us to, as a family, individually, increases...and I have no job but to just be obedient and walk into it.
It's interesting and a bit overwhelming because we are being thrust into these times experiencing things that no one else in the history of the church has ever gone through and therefore we don't have anyone to look to for help besides God and our dependence upon him grows. Which is cool, but overwhelming. Interesting, interesting.
3 and a half weeks to go till I'm out of this storm. Waiting. Because my vision isn't clear enough yet to share more of what I'm feeling. My emotions are too caught up in everything going on around me that I don't feel like I can be more clear because I don't feel I can be accurate, or truthful yet.
Here's the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/user/MStarMinistries#p/u/0/vVmgNHhusRs
Special Bulletin 6, Goshen Grace
So aren't we excited.
And today it's really windy. Reminds me of how powerful Something Invisible can be.
--MovingGirl
P.S.!!!
Totally an extra note after I originally posted this:
I continued reading past the part of The Call which I posted at the top. Listen to this!!! (I got so excited when I started reading this, because it was the exact same picture I got BEFORE I read it! What confirmation!
"In My Father's house are many dwelling places...These are My builders. Each of my houses will be a fortress from which I will send out My armies. Some will go forth as knights to fight for the poor and oppressed, while others will go forth as small companies who will raid the strongholds of the enemy and bring back the spoils. Some will send forth a host to conquer cities over which My truth and righteousness will reign, and others will join with armies from other fortresses to liberate whole nations with My truth, My love and My power.
These fortresses are not just for the protection of My people, but for mobilizing, training and sending forth My army throughout the earth. The darkest of times will soon come, but My people will not be found hiding. They will go forth to conquer evil with good. They will conquer by not loving their lives even unto death and by loving others more than their own lives. These will be the fearless ones whom I will send forth before I return." (All emphasis is my own). --Rick Joyner's The Call.
Completely blown away by the fact that I saw this, knew this, before I READ it. How cool is God? How cool is he? What a confirmation for me that the image I saw was true. It makes me so excited. Just thought I had to share this.
:)
I will even use an emoticon I'm that awe-i-fied. (Cooler than awed.)
I see the place God is calling us to being like that. A solid refuge, a place of rest, shelter, and training. God brings people in, and sends them back out ready to go where he is calling them. Like a castle of old where the young pages and squires would come to train and learn, with a courtyard for learning how to use the sword and classrooms to learn the word. They walk in foot pages and leave knights. That's sort of what I see. I see our land that we own, wherever we are, being made to prosper in order to supply those who have nothing. We will have water, shelter, food...and not for ourselves, for those around us who come to the Lord's castle to partake of His goods.
That's sort of what I see.
However, my mom and I both feel that we are going to have to fight for our land. It will be given to us like the land was given the Israelites, but we will have to roust the enemy off of it. Claim it for God's possession. And start building that castle. So that when the time comes we have to provisions and refuge needed.
The scary thing is that we are running out of time, and I know God's timing is perfect, but there is a pressure to be diligent and obedient. Because if we don't listen to God we will not be in God's timing. So the need to hear his voice right now is big.
On a related note.
Rick Joyner just came out with part 6 of the Special Bulletin which I will post at the end of this. In it he talks about many things, exciting things, sorrowful things. Like another earthquake coming to hit Tokyo that will devastate Tokyo. My heart breaks, giving me a need and passion to cry out to God to spare the people if nothing else.
But he also talks about the fact that we very well might see our leadership pressuring Israel to divide up their land. NO! NO! NO! We must understand that Israel is God's chosen! They are his people and we have the PRIVILEGE and the RIGHT to support them. Always. As the church of Christ we should always be standing together with Israel, and as a nation as well.
It's odd for me because as much as I have a passion for Japan, I have an equal passion for Israel. Even though I understand my ministry does not necessarily lie there, I have a heart for Israel and I am glad because I understand that Israel is a passion of God as well. I'm sure he placed it there, I have no personal ties to Israel. But oh, I love them.
But something Joyner said was that if our government does move to pressure Israel to dividing their land, that the United States will be divided down the Mississippi River. The New Madrid Fault will go.
When we started doing research on where we were aiming at going, we came across this and my interest in geology was peaked. I hadn't heard in depth about it before. I did my research. Folks, if that thing goes, I don't quite know how to estimate the damage besides saying that our nation will never be the same. Physically, geographically, the U.S. will be divided, cities will be liquified, swallowed up, completely destroyed...water flow will change, water tables, the earth will be shaken, the U.S...We DO NOT want this thing to go, and even though the possibility of this happening would be unbelievably devastating, the worse atrocity is our movement against Israel.
We need to be praying that God will save us from ourselves, that he will put people in place whose hearts have been softened toward him and toward Israel. We cannot afford to let them go.
So, for my family. Joyner mentioned that if that time comes if you aren't hearing from God to stay, then you need to get out of there. And yet God is calling my family and I there for a specific reason. And I don't see us being called out again later. Now that could mean the New Madrid never goes, we should pray for that...always, but it could also mean that if it does, that we are going to have a purpose there.
It's kind of weird. Because every day the vision of what God is calling us to, as a family, individually, increases...and I have no job but to just be obedient and walk into it.
It's interesting and a bit overwhelming because we are being thrust into these times experiencing things that no one else in the history of the church has ever gone through and therefore we don't have anyone to look to for help besides God and our dependence upon him grows. Which is cool, but overwhelming. Interesting, interesting.
3 and a half weeks to go till I'm out of this storm. Waiting. Because my vision isn't clear enough yet to share more of what I'm feeling. My emotions are too caught up in everything going on around me that I don't feel like I can be more clear because I don't feel I can be accurate, or truthful yet.
Here's the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/user/MStarMinistries#p/u/0/vVmgNHhusRs
Special Bulletin 6, Goshen Grace
And today it's really windy. Reminds me of how powerful Something Invisible can be.
--MovingGirl
P.S.!!!
Totally an extra note after I originally posted this:
I continued reading past the part of The Call which I posted at the top. Listen to this!!! (I got so excited when I started reading this, because it was the exact same picture I got BEFORE I read it! What confirmation!
"In My Father's house are many dwelling places...These are My builders. Each of my houses will be a fortress from which I will send out My armies. Some will go forth as knights to fight for the poor and oppressed, while others will go forth as small companies who will raid the strongholds of the enemy and bring back the spoils. Some will send forth a host to conquer cities over which My truth and righteousness will reign, and others will join with armies from other fortresses to liberate whole nations with My truth, My love and My power.
These fortresses are not just for the protection of My people, but for mobilizing, training and sending forth My army throughout the earth. The darkest of times will soon come, but My people will not be found hiding. They will go forth to conquer evil with good. They will conquer by not loving their lives even unto death and by loving others more than their own lives. These will be the fearless ones whom I will send forth before I return." (All emphasis is my own). --Rick Joyner's The Call.
Completely blown away by the fact that I saw this, knew this, before I READ it. How cool is God? How cool is he? What a confirmation for me that the image I saw was true. It makes me so excited. Just thought I had to share this.
:)
I will even use an emoticon I'm that awe-i-fied. (Cooler than awed.)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
19 is a lifetime
It's not my birthday or anything of the sort, 19 is no special age or anything. But I was angry today as I faced temptation that took me back to what I literally call my "dark and dirty" days. I was scared, because unlike before, after the transformation God had done in my life, setting me free from that crap, I was actually able to enter back into it! Before, even if I wished to send myself back there I couldn't. COULD NOT. There was something preventing me, but last night, today, I was able, and I did. For a brief moment I was back in it before I came to my senses.
Scared. So scared. I thought those days were over, done, gone. Impossible to return to. But they aren't. My grace period is over and they now exist again.
And I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to have this in my life.
My 19 years have not been the 19 years everyone sees. I've done horrendous things spiritually that I look at today and see how mighty the deliverance was. But now I am allowed to enter it again. I thought I never would. I now have no buffer. And I have to make those choices.
And I'm scared because I'm so weak, that I know how easy it would be to enter that again. And I'm angry that I have this weakness. That I am like this. Why? Why? Am I the only one or are there others who have had to deal with this. This type of darkness.
No one can ever understand it until they have experienced it. That is why I feel so alone in this. Because no one I know has ever had to deal with this.
You don't know what you are capable of until you enter it.
And I've entered it. The Apathy that sucks your soul dry. That's dirtier and darker than witchcraft because you don't care anymore. About anything.
It's so deep, that unless God himself had stepped in and intervened, I have no idea where I'd be today, and I don't mean that I might not be alive, I mean that I might be dead spiritually.
In so deep that God himself had to come in and shatter the chains. Because my heart had grown so cold, that I was almost dead, spiritually.
No one knows how much a person can accumulate in 19 years. My past is not pretty, it is not beautiful, it is ugly and dark. The only reason I can look on it now is because the blood of Jesus covers over a multitude of sins.
But it's scary...when you realize that what you thought was gone forever is shoved back in your face.
And I know that God was the one who removed the restraint that prevented me from going back...so I know it's in his plans...but
I'm scared of myself. I'm so scared. Because I don't ever want to be there again, but the part of my soul that is human, still has those dark longings. And I don't know if my faith and relationship is strong enough.
Father, Abba, please don't let me go back!! Hold onto me, please!!! PLEASE!!!
Please.
Please.
Don't let me go back...
I'm so scared.
--MovingGirl
If anyone reads this, please pray for me. Please.
Scared. So scared. I thought those days were over, done, gone. Impossible to return to. But they aren't. My grace period is over and they now exist again.
And I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to have this in my life.
My 19 years have not been the 19 years everyone sees. I've done horrendous things spiritually that I look at today and see how mighty the deliverance was. But now I am allowed to enter it again. I thought I never would. I now have no buffer. And I have to make those choices.
And I'm scared because I'm so weak, that I know how easy it would be to enter that again. And I'm angry that I have this weakness. That I am like this. Why? Why? Am I the only one or are there others who have had to deal with this. This type of darkness.
No one can ever understand it until they have experienced it. That is why I feel so alone in this. Because no one I know has ever had to deal with this.
You don't know what you are capable of until you enter it.
And I've entered it. The Apathy that sucks your soul dry. That's dirtier and darker than witchcraft because you don't care anymore. About anything.
It's so deep, that unless God himself had stepped in and intervened, I have no idea where I'd be today, and I don't mean that I might not be alive, I mean that I might be dead spiritually.
In so deep that God himself had to come in and shatter the chains. Because my heart had grown so cold, that I was almost dead, spiritually.
No one knows how much a person can accumulate in 19 years. My past is not pretty, it is not beautiful, it is ugly and dark. The only reason I can look on it now is because the blood of Jesus covers over a multitude of sins.
But it's scary...when you realize that what you thought was gone forever is shoved back in your face.
And I know that God was the one who removed the restraint that prevented me from going back...so I know it's in his plans...but
I'm scared of myself. I'm so scared. Because I don't ever want to be there again, but the part of my soul that is human, still has those dark longings. And I don't know if my faith and relationship is strong enough.
Father, Abba, please don't let me go back!! Hold onto me, please!!! PLEASE!!!
Please.
Please.
Don't let me go back...
I'm so scared.
--MovingGirl
If anyone reads this, please pray for me. Please.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Dancing in the Storm
It's raining again.
The eye of the storm had passed over me,
leaving me breathless
to enter into the other side.
Now I'm here, behind,
because I was ducked back into the water
without a breath.
I can't see. Can't see anything at all.
It's dark and black, and all around me.
The noise is deafening, thunderous, whining,
like a black hole would sound
if you could hear it.
I'm so battered, so tired, so weak.
My muscles are quaking
in pain and exhaustion.
One step takes all my strength
I don't see how I make it to two.
I'm cold, always so cold
and wet and miserable...
and I can't see or hear anything.
The forest around me only exists
because I saw myself enter it.
And now I can only place timid hands
in front of me to fend off the world.
The Dark Night of the Soul.
Midnight to 3:00 am.
Can't see.
Can't feel
anything but fear.
But my body moves of its own accord
not even stopping to think
that maybe I'm moving with the storm
not out of it.
My head is bowed against the torrent;
wind and rain, mud and ice
all around;
battered, so battered.
Can you see it?
The storm that threatens
looms menacingly over the earth
like a void in space and time
sending me into the depths
of a valley so deep, so dark
that the only light, the only warmth
is that inside of me.
The only hope is the little light
the little candle flame,
the little coal
that sits inside my heart
like a golden promise
or a memory
of better days.
But that promise is what drives me
it gives me the strength
the power
to put one weary foot
before the other
on my way
out of this forest
this valley, the storm
into the golden fields
that are promised:
my place of rest.
I yearn for those hills
where milk and honey
wave to me from the grasses
where the warmth of the sun
soaks into my skin
to the depths of my soul.
Where the tent is a welcome shade
of rest that calms,
oh, the sheepskin tent.
So I place one weary foot
before the other
and walk on
hands timid
head bent
into the wall of water
into the wind
and the storm.
For the warmth inside me whispers
"Yet, yet shall there be rest
yet shall there be peace
yet shall there be a time
when my voice
will be as clear to you as day
and as warm as the sun
and I shall come
and visit with you
in the sheepskin tent
of communion.
Yet there shall be this time
and we shall dance
together
in Abelmeholah
the meadow of the dance
because this trial
will have strengthened your legs
your body
so that you can
bear to dance with me
as I sing over you
with joy."
And so I put one weary foot
before the other
my chest warm
with the promise.
And the wind howls
the water stings
and the earth moves
beneath me
but I accept it
with arms outstretched
as I let it take me where it will;
dancing in the storm
so that I may have the privilege
of dancing without,
in Abelmeholah
with my God, my King.
--MovingGirl
The eye of the storm had passed over me,
leaving me breathless
to enter into the other side.
Now I'm here, behind,
because I was ducked back into the water
without a breath.
I can't see. Can't see anything at all.
It's dark and black, and all around me.
The noise is deafening, thunderous, whining,
like a black hole would sound
if you could hear it.
I'm so battered, so tired, so weak.
My muscles are quaking
in pain and exhaustion.
One step takes all my strength
I don't see how I make it to two.
I'm cold, always so cold
and wet and miserable...
and I can't see or hear anything.
The forest around me only exists
because I saw myself enter it.
And now I can only place timid hands
in front of me to fend off the world.
The Dark Night of the Soul.
Midnight to 3:00 am.
Can't see.
Can't feel
anything but fear.
But my body moves of its own accord
not even stopping to think
that maybe I'm moving with the storm
not out of it.
My head is bowed against the torrent;
wind and rain, mud and ice
all around;
battered, so battered.
Can you see it?
The storm that threatens
looms menacingly over the earth
like a void in space and time
sending me into the depths
of a valley so deep, so dark
that the only light, the only warmth
is that inside of me.
The only hope is the little light
the little candle flame,
the little coal
that sits inside my heart
like a golden promise
or a memory
of better days.
But that promise is what drives me
it gives me the strength
the power
to put one weary foot
before the other
on my way
out of this forest
this valley, the storm
into the golden fields
that are promised:
my place of rest.
I yearn for those hills
where milk and honey
wave to me from the grasses
where the warmth of the sun
soaks into my skin
to the depths of my soul.
Where the tent is a welcome shade
of rest that calms,
oh, the sheepskin tent.
So I place one weary foot
before the other
and walk on
hands timid
head bent
into the wall of water
into the wind
and the storm.
For the warmth inside me whispers
"Yet, yet shall there be rest
yet shall there be peace
yet shall there be a time
when my voice
will be as clear to you as day
and as warm as the sun
and I shall come
and visit with you
in the sheepskin tent
of communion.
Yet there shall be this time
and we shall dance
together
in Abelmeholah
the meadow of the dance
because this trial
will have strengthened your legs
your body
so that you can
bear to dance with me
as I sing over you
with joy."
And so I put one weary foot
before the other
my chest warm
with the promise.
And the wind howls
the water stings
and the earth moves
beneath me
but I accept it
with arms outstretched
as I let it take me where it will;
dancing in the storm
so that I may have the privilege
of dancing without,
in Abelmeholah
with my God, my King.
--MovingGirl
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