The title is a bit of a play on words that a good friend of mine introduced, allowing me to lighten up for a moment.
I never realized how selfish I was until someone close passed away. And he wasn't even that close. But I never experienced this before. This numbness that comes from forcing myself away from my emotions.
It's not peace.
I woke up this morning in a half-dream state saw myself as this apathetic, cruel monster that everyone around feared because I cared about nothing.
It scared me.
And I'm back to being selfish. All I can think about is MY loss. How I feel. MY confusion. Although in the grace period of initial shock I was able to pray for the family. But now it is like my heart feels nothing.
There is a manwha, a korean manga that I read once, in which there were characters that were like gods, or demons, I guess, that the people feared. They were dark, apathetic, uncaring. I woke up this morning and felt like one.
I don't know what to think. I've never thought I would ever ask the selfish question "WHY?!"
I always gave pat answers and general ideas of what it is like to lose someone...but there really aren't words to describe it.
I'm ignoring myself, the circumstances. I didn't sleep at all last night. And opened my eyes this morning wide awake, not caring, in a half-dream state that scared me.
And all I can think is that I either heard God wrong, or didn't have enough faith. And my pride is telling me it could be my fault. But the problem is that I only know that up here, in my head, I understand exactly what is going on and what I would say if it were someone else. But it hasn't reached my heart yet. I haven't let it.
All I know is I'm numb.
I need Jesus. That's the only thought I'm letting through.
Jesus, I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you.
And all my tears just gave me a headache. Abba. Abba. Why?
--MovingGirl
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
I Am Blessed Beyond This Curse...
Had an eye opener the other day. Made me feel a bit more immature and out of it.
I was sharing with my mom how there is a guy in one of my classes that I get weird...uh...vibes? from. Basically when I'm in that class our spirits clash. He doesn't like my work and I don't like his. We hold two different worldviews and frankly, he creeps me out at times. And I leave, always frustrated and angry without ever knowing why. I told her this, and she reminded me that some people are involved in things that are dark. (This comment over some of his work shared in class that was dark.) She reminded me that there are a lot of people involved in the occult and related things, even without realizing it at times, while others are deliberately a part and are heavily involved. I was like, "yeah, but...that's a bit extreme."
Then God woke me up (I believe) with almost a slap in the face of sorts. I walked into our local coffee shop and hanging on their bulletin board was an advertisement for an event focused on introducing and teaching (classed and rituals held) on the occultic arts.
My mind went boom. There is a song that Carman sings called Witch's Invitation, and a line where he says something to the effect "you sit there, stunned, a moment when your faith gets violated"....bah, something like that anyway. Been too long.
That's kind of how I felt. Violated. They were in my state, in my city, in MY COFFEE SHOP. Advertising to the hungry people out there that want more to this life and it was on MY (the church's) turf!
I was very sorrowed, but I think the term violated really gets at what I felt. Invaded, in a way.
I caught the title of the event but not the dates and I wanted to know when this would be occurring in my city. I looked it up and found more than I bargained for. They have a church, a mockery of what we as the bride of Christ do when we come together Sunday morning to worship, fellowship, serve and learn.
They have a church and they meet Sunday mornings, they have worship, they have 'fellowship', they have ministries in which to serve, and teachings on the pagan arts or theologies or whatever. I felt sick. Violated.
I got the dates and also a wake up call to what the heck was invading my streets. And had been since before Alaska was a state. With roots in the native cultures and the land, they are not new.
I was shocked. How did we as the church, not have ANY CLUE whatsoever to what is going on in our midst. And this is just the visible guys. The level at which they are at when visible makes me realize that it is bigger than I thought, more prevalent, more...I'm just sickened.
Anyway, it made me realize that there is a possibility of this guy being involved in the occult.
But the song I've been singing which I posted last time addressed this in a way. "I am blessed beyond this curse for His promise will endure..."
The whole idea is victory because of God. And a throw back to Carman's song, the power is in the blood of Jesus and no distorted religion, no mockery of the power of God will EVER be stronger than his. So even though I am weak, and I am not strong, I do not matter. Because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.
So while fear is being demolished, an anger, (and I will be bold enough to say it knowing that most agree anger is actually a result of fear...but this is a fire inside, the kind of mad you get when you see someone mistreated) therefore, a righteous anger is rising up in me with a love and a desire to see these people free in the blood of Jesus. I am angered by their captor, but I know the love of Jesus can break any chain, any bond, and I desire it for these people.
When I first saw the flyer for the event, I got an image of the church door (the place where the event is being held) covered in the saran-wrap sort of plastic that acted like a spider's web. And as people walked through it kind of....how to put this in words...fluctuated? and returned to normal position, but once they were in, they were trapped. And I felt gross and sorrowed, and angry.
This even was being held by their outreach ministry. Violated. That's how I felt.
So why is it that my church never ever discusses things like this. Why is it that my church, with as much as we do to reach out to our community have such a hard time even organizing a prayer event? I'm really not trying to diss my church at all, it is an amazing group of believers and family with great, solid doctrine, pastors, programs, and worship. I love my church. But the question that came to mind was "Where is OUR outreach ministry and why aren't we holding events that address these needs and desires of not only the community but our OWN body in the way of the supernatural?
I don't know, but I do know this: God is on the move. He is stirring and the heavens stir with him. I pray and hope to see a drastic change in the way we, the Church, respond to invasions of our territory. As battle-ready soldiers to rise up and say, alright God, how would you like us to fight this battle, not on the enemy's field, but ours. With love, humility, and God-focus. I know even I myself am not prepared to do so. I have even been warned not to touch it this weekend and not to enter into warfare because I currently do not have the authority to do so. I believe the warning said for a "bush-wacking".
And then I was told to bless them, love them...but how do you do so in prayer? Wow. What an interesting idea....lol. Yes, really, laugh out loud. Talk about a wake-up call. I don't even know the basics about warfare if I don't know how to pray love and blessing over my enemy.
So aren't we excited to be taught and shown how much we don't know...lol. Ah, God is good.
--MovingGirl
I was sharing with my mom how there is a guy in one of my classes that I get weird...uh...vibes? from. Basically when I'm in that class our spirits clash. He doesn't like my work and I don't like his. We hold two different worldviews and frankly, he creeps me out at times. And I leave, always frustrated and angry without ever knowing why. I told her this, and she reminded me that some people are involved in things that are dark. (This comment over some of his work shared in class that was dark.) She reminded me that there are a lot of people involved in the occult and related things, even without realizing it at times, while others are deliberately a part and are heavily involved. I was like, "yeah, but...that's a bit extreme."
Then God woke me up (I believe) with almost a slap in the face of sorts. I walked into our local coffee shop and hanging on their bulletin board was an advertisement for an event focused on introducing and teaching (classed and rituals held) on the occultic arts.
My mind went boom. There is a song that Carman sings called Witch's Invitation, and a line where he says something to the effect "you sit there, stunned, a moment when your faith gets violated"....bah, something like that anyway. Been too long.
That's kind of how I felt. Violated. They were in my state, in my city, in MY COFFEE SHOP. Advertising to the hungry people out there that want more to this life and it was on MY (the church's) turf!
I was very sorrowed, but I think the term violated really gets at what I felt. Invaded, in a way.
I caught the title of the event but not the dates and I wanted to know when this would be occurring in my city. I looked it up and found more than I bargained for. They have a church, a mockery of what we as the bride of Christ do when we come together Sunday morning to worship, fellowship, serve and learn.
They have a church and they meet Sunday mornings, they have worship, they have 'fellowship', they have ministries in which to serve, and teachings on the pagan arts or theologies or whatever. I felt sick. Violated.
I got the dates and also a wake up call to what the heck was invading my streets. And had been since before Alaska was a state. With roots in the native cultures and the land, they are not new.
I was shocked. How did we as the church, not have ANY CLUE whatsoever to what is going on in our midst. And this is just the visible guys. The level at which they are at when visible makes me realize that it is bigger than I thought, more prevalent, more...I'm just sickened.
Anyway, it made me realize that there is a possibility of this guy being involved in the occult.
But the song I've been singing which I posted last time addressed this in a way. "I am blessed beyond this curse for His promise will endure..."
The whole idea is victory because of God. And a throw back to Carman's song, the power is in the blood of Jesus and no distorted religion, no mockery of the power of God will EVER be stronger than his. So even though I am weak, and I am not strong, I do not matter. Because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.
So while fear is being demolished, an anger, (and I will be bold enough to say it knowing that most agree anger is actually a result of fear...but this is a fire inside, the kind of mad you get when you see someone mistreated) therefore, a righteous anger is rising up in me with a love and a desire to see these people free in the blood of Jesus. I am angered by their captor, but I know the love of Jesus can break any chain, any bond, and I desire it for these people.
When I first saw the flyer for the event, I got an image of the church door (the place where the event is being held) covered in the saran-wrap sort of plastic that acted like a spider's web. And as people walked through it kind of....how to put this in words...fluctuated? and returned to normal position, but once they were in, they were trapped. And I felt gross and sorrowed, and angry.
This even was being held by their outreach ministry. Violated. That's how I felt.
So why is it that my church never ever discusses things like this. Why is it that my church, with as much as we do to reach out to our community have such a hard time even organizing a prayer event? I'm really not trying to diss my church at all, it is an amazing group of believers and family with great, solid doctrine, pastors, programs, and worship. I love my church. But the question that came to mind was "Where is OUR outreach ministry and why aren't we holding events that address these needs and desires of not only the community but our OWN body in the way of the supernatural?
I don't know, but I do know this: God is on the move. He is stirring and the heavens stir with him. I pray and hope to see a drastic change in the way we, the Church, respond to invasions of our territory. As battle-ready soldiers to rise up and say, alright God, how would you like us to fight this battle, not on the enemy's field, but ours. With love, humility, and God-focus. I know even I myself am not prepared to do so. I have even been warned not to touch it this weekend and not to enter into warfare because I currently do not have the authority to do so. I believe the warning said for a "bush-wacking".
And then I was told to bless them, love them...but how do you do so in prayer? Wow. What an interesting idea....lol. Yes, really, laugh out loud. Talk about a wake-up call. I don't even know the basics about warfare if I don't know how to pray love and blessing over my enemy.
So aren't we excited to be taught and shown how much we don't know...lol. Ah, God is good.
--MovingGirl
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Fire in My Bones
I'm talkative and active today. On here, anyway.
There is something rebelling in my heart. Things I can't understand or control. It's like there is this burning-hot coal inside of me, just smoldering and smoldering. And all of a sudden, there is wind, breaths of air and oxygen, and it bursts into flames. The winds igniting, and falling, coming, coming, coming, dissipating...only to rise again. Like when someone opens a door and the air shifts dramatically.
And I feel a fire...
And there is something inside that needs out. There is something driving me to write...to speak...and it isn't coming out. What venue does it need???
There is something rebelling in my heart. Things I can't understand or control. It's like there is this burning-hot coal inside of me, just smoldering and smoldering. And all of a sudden, there is wind, breaths of air and oxygen, and it bursts into flames. The winds igniting, and falling, coming, coming, coming, dissipating...only to rise again. Like when someone opens a door and the air shifts dramatically.
And I feel a fire...
And there is something inside that needs out. There is something driving me to write...to speak...and it isn't coming out. What venue does it need???
America and Japan
Watch the whole thing, he gets to his point.
From Rick Joyner and MorningStar Ministries
CWLA Exercises
Six-Line Poem Exercise
Marble and Sand:
The cold white marble of a conquering queen radiates like the Carolina beaches
With Conway a fly-by town on the way to heaven and a dark end
Spring break inviting the waves of recklessness and salty seas
Horoscopes would give warning or a measure of reluctance, I wish
Because the only shores Russell will ever walk on again are golden
And I will surely pay a visit to the cold white tombstones next year at this time
Five Easy Pieces Exercise
Golden Fields:
Lazy hands, dozy hands
Outstretched in wonder, then falling to earth like petals from the sun
And daffodils are rich like the Costa Rican hills
A question of purpose enters my mind
And he looks up, blinks in slow repetition
Says that the world is a golden wonder
To be explored without cost
As the fields of honey glimmer
Feeling, Seeing, Noting Exercise
Home:
Calm acceptance
that sits
satisfied and assured
A rocking horse and broken clock
misplaced
nesting birds
Buffet and Toss
So many lessons in so little time. A quick and getting quicker training period.
And to tell the truth, I'm afraid. I guess that shows my immaturity.
So many lessons...God's beginning to work in me in a way that is not anything I've experienced before and the more it happens the more I realize how horribly immature, unprepared, and childish (in a selfish way) I am.
Look at this post: I...I...I...I...I...
And I feel like I need to catalogue these lessons or I will forget them they are flying by so quick.
Healing a wounded heart...okay, that's sounds weird. But it was a lesson in trust, humility, and...learning to let go of the bitterness of the past, to let it dissolve in the depths of his love. Never realized that those words would actually come to mean something. I never realized I was bitter.
Haha...my name Mariah stems from the word that means "bitter".
But my middle name means Rejoicing Child.
To rejoice. To praise. It's amazing what a good song or two can do for your mood.
The one that I've been singing to myself lately (I actually sound okay because it fits my range) is Yes Lord.
"I am pressed, but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond this curse for his promise will endure
And the Lord's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord..."
And I've had many moods lately. Sorrow, depression, joy, gladness, calm, hurt, confusion, awe...
And then we have God showing me some of my faults, a disciplining too.
Apparently I'm extremely lazy and should help out around the house more often. Okay, ouch.
Thanks God for that wonderful revelation.
Apparently I'm extremely weak. That's always fun to realize. So I get to hang out with God more often.
I like the word extreme right now, it seems to express a lot of my emotion.
Like extremely...uh, buffeted? That's how I feel, like a little doll in a big ocean with the waves tossing me every which way...when did I get out of the boat?
Anyway, these lessons are still making their way to my heart.
And on top of it all is this crushing sorrow for Japan. And nervousness at what comes next. God is on the move, the heavens are stirring and the winds are blowing. Buffeting me or something.
I'm high on coffee, that's why my post reads a bit more weird than normal, if I'm ever normal.
Welcome to the battle, are you ready to rumble?
"Blessed beyond this curse for His promise will endure, His joy's gonna be my strength."
--MovingGirl
And to tell the truth, I'm afraid. I guess that shows my immaturity.
So many lessons...God's beginning to work in me in a way that is not anything I've experienced before and the more it happens the more I realize how horribly immature, unprepared, and childish (in a selfish way) I am.
Look at this post: I...I...I...I...I...
And I feel like I need to catalogue these lessons or I will forget them they are flying by so quick.
Healing a wounded heart...okay, that's sounds weird. But it was a lesson in trust, humility, and...learning to let go of the bitterness of the past, to let it dissolve in the depths of his love. Never realized that those words would actually come to mean something. I never realized I was bitter.
Haha...my name Mariah stems from the word that means "bitter".
But my middle name means Rejoicing Child.
To rejoice. To praise. It's amazing what a good song or two can do for your mood.
The one that I've been singing to myself lately (I actually sound okay because it fits my range) is Yes Lord.
"I am pressed, but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond this curse for his promise will endure
And the Lord's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord..."
And I've had many moods lately. Sorrow, depression, joy, gladness, calm, hurt, confusion, awe...
And then we have God showing me some of my faults, a disciplining too.
Apparently I'm extremely lazy and should help out around the house more often. Okay, ouch.
Thanks God for that wonderful revelation.
Apparently I'm extremely weak. That's always fun to realize. So I get to hang out with God more often.
I like the word extreme right now, it seems to express a lot of my emotion.
Like extremely...uh, buffeted? That's how I feel, like a little doll in a big ocean with the waves tossing me every which way...when did I get out of the boat?
Anyway, these lessons are still making their way to my heart.
And on top of it all is this crushing sorrow for Japan. And nervousness at what comes next. God is on the move, the heavens are stirring and the winds are blowing. Buffeting me or something.
I'm high on coffee, that's why my post reads a bit more weird than normal, if I'm ever normal.
Welcome to the battle, are you ready to rumble?
"Blessed beyond this curse for His promise will endure, His joy's gonna be my strength."
--MovingGirl
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Moving Too Fast
And I'm not referring to our change of location either. Rather, I'm talking about what God is beginning to do in the world, in Alaska, and in the people around me. Sometimes I feel like everything is moving too fast, even though I know things are happening in God's timing, it makes it hard to slow down, or to acknowledge that you are going slow. Sometimes I feel way too unprepared, not ready, and behind when I hear about cool things God is beginning to do. And other times I just get more excited. But tonight I had a more intense moment of "Oh, my word, God, wait for us!"
I don't know what that means, but it seems like I was right about the snowball effect...things are speeding up at a fast rate and I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. By God himself, not even by the circumstances as much. All of a sudden he's making himself known to me in all these different ways, I'm experiencing him so intensely, he's awe-ing me with his glory and magnificence and I simply feel overwhelmed. And unprepared. I'm not ready for this. I'm not. And to tell the truth I'm in fear of God and his might at the moment. Suddenly everything is put into a perspective where I am like a neutron with no force to keep me in place. I'm afraid of spinning out of control and therefore want to slow down, but I'm afraid of that too because I feel unprepared already and need to speed up.
Yikes!
Craziness just became a reality as I try to wrap my tiny little mind around God's bigness. It's impossible, yes. But I have a personality that likes to have a plan, takes things in order, and be in some semblence of control and that is not what you get in relationship with God.
That and school just started up again. I feel overwhelmed
What to do what to do? I'm not ready to take on all this. I'm just not feeling ready.
--MovingGirl
I don't know what that means, but it seems like I was right about the snowball effect...things are speeding up at a fast rate and I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. By God himself, not even by the circumstances as much. All of a sudden he's making himself known to me in all these different ways, I'm experiencing him so intensely, he's awe-ing me with his glory and magnificence and I simply feel overwhelmed. And unprepared. I'm not ready for this. I'm not. And to tell the truth I'm in fear of God and his might at the moment. Suddenly everything is put into a perspective where I am like a neutron with no force to keep me in place. I'm afraid of spinning out of control and therefore want to slow down, but I'm afraid of that too because I feel unprepared already and need to speed up.
Yikes!
Craziness just became a reality as I try to wrap my tiny little mind around God's bigness. It's impossible, yes. But I have a personality that likes to have a plan, takes things in order, and be in some semblence of control and that is not what you get in relationship with God.
That and school just started up again. I feel overwhelmed
What to do what to do? I'm not ready to take on all this. I'm just not feeling ready.
--MovingGirl
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Living an Epic Life
Had a good cry last night. Sometimes there are no words to express sorrow and grief, but I believe God hears those silent prayers too.
I believe that when Jesus wept, it was the same sort of wordless emotion. Nothing else to do but weep. While he may have done other things, the Bible chooses to show that emotion. It doesn't say he prayed, it doesn't say he spoke, or gave some clever words of comfort. Nope. He wept. And I know the Father heard his tears.
Heard his groans and anguish. Anguish.
It feels like a broken heart, or the sorrow of losing a loved one.
Sometimes, I think tears are more powerful than words. And I wonder if God stops to listen just to them.
Because we are coming to him with something that we cannot express, but that we know he can understand.
And even when my heart breaks, he's there with his warmth that says "Mariah, beloved, I hear your heart."
It's those moments that help you to realize you can go on, that you can survive the onslaught of whatever is thrown your way. That you can stand firm because God the Father is there with his warmth and his comfort to hold you when it gets hard.
And my day goes on. The night continues. I get up in the morning, get ready, stop by kaladis to get my coffee, and go to work. A normal day, in which nothing has changed, and yet everything has. It feels surreal to watch people laughing and carrying on like normal. It makes me wonder why I live everyday like that. Why I live with the knowledge of a God who is greater and live like I don't.
I want to live in such a way that people look at me and see someone else, someone they long for. Jesus.
I want to live like my life depends on someone greater. Like I live for something grander. Epic. Majestic.
What everybody seeks in their fantasy worlds and their movies and books and comics and dreams. I live like that in reality because of a God who is fantastic and beyond imagination. I live in a world and a story more epic than LOTR. And I am an important character in the story. I am Frodo. I am Sam. I am filled with the love of Jesus Christ and nothing, no earthquake, no disaster, no normal, dreary day can ever ever make him any less.
I want to live in love with Him. So that when people ask me about my purity ring, I can tell them I am holding out for God's man for my life and until then and after God will always be my first lover, my first friend, and both this ring and the next will symbolize my relationship with him.
My heart breaks for Japan. But my heart knows that God is on the move, and I want to be ready, to stand prepared for what he is calling me to. No matter what.
--MovingGirl
I believe that when Jesus wept, it was the same sort of wordless emotion. Nothing else to do but weep. While he may have done other things, the Bible chooses to show that emotion. It doesn't say he prayed, it doesn't say he spoke, or gave some clever words of comfort. Nope. He wept. And I know the Father heard his tears.
Heard his groans and anguish. Anguish.
It feels like a broken heart, or the sorrow of losing a loved one.
Sometimes, I think tears are more powerful than words. And I wonder if God stops to listen just to them.
Because we are coming to him with something that we cannot express, but that we know he can understand.
And even when my heart breaks, he's there with his warmth that says "Mariah, beloved, I hear your heart."
It's those moments that help you to realize you can go on, that you can survive the onslaught of whatever is thrown your way. That you can stand firm because God the Father is there with his warmth and his comfort to hold you when it gets hard.
And my day goes on. The night continues. I get up in the morning, get ready, stop by kaladis to get my coffee, and go to work. A normal day, in which nothing has changed, and yet everything has. It feels surreal to watch people laughing and carrying on like normal. It makes me wonder why I live everyday like that. Why I live with the knowledge of a God who is greater and live like I don't.
I want to live in such a way that people look at me and see someone else, someone they long for. Jesus.
I want to live like my life depends on someone greater. Like I live for something grander. Epic. Majestic.
What everybody seeks in their fantasy worlds and their movies and books and comics and dreams. I live like that in reality because of a God who is fantastic and beyond imagination. I live in a world and a story more epic than LOTR. And I am an important character in the story. I am Frodo. I am Sam. I am filled with the love of Jesus Christ and nothing, no earthquake, no disaster, no normal, dreary day can ever ever make him any less.
I want to live in love with Him. So that when people ask me about my purity ring, I can tell them I am holding out for God's man for my life and until then and after God will always be my first lover, my first friend, and both this ring and the next will symbolize my relationship with him.
My heart breaks for Japan. But my heart knows that God is on the move, and I want to be ready, to stand prepared for what he is calling me to. No matter what.
--MovingGirl
Friday, March 11, 2011
Japan
So closely following my post about Egypt is this one.
Woke up this morning with no knowledge of the earthquake that occurred sometime last night in Japan.
Found out through various facebook stats and twitter updates. Many friends and family friends I know are in Japan or know someone close there.
Then I found the link to BBC's coverage of the tsunami and earthquake...
I cried. Cried and cried. I was devastated. 8.9. 8.9. 8.9.
I quivered.
My heart hurt, not sure how to feel, what to pray. You'd think you could think of something in this sort of situation, but there's a shock and numbing that comes. All you can do is watch, occasionally cry, and groan.
I don't know what to think. I want to be there. I want to help.
God, I don't care too much about the why, I understand we live in a fallen world and I trust in your grace and mercy, but I do want to know why now. I'm trapped here with my life, school, work, the house and a semester that still has eight weeks to go. There is no room for movement in my life right now. No possibility, opportunity, or option to go. To help. Even if I have nothing more to offer than my heart and my hands.
"No matter what, I'm gonna love you
No matter what, I'm gonna seek you
I know that you could find a way to keep me from the pain
but if not, if not, I'll trust you, no matter what."
--MovingGirl
Woke up this morning with no knowledge of the earthquake that occurred sometime last night in Japan.
Found out through various facebook stats and twitter updates. Many friends and family friends I know are in Japan or know someone close there.
Then I found the link to BBC's coverage of the tsunami and earthquake...
I cried. Cried and cried. I was devastated. 8.9. 8.9. 8.9.
I quivered.
My heart hurt, not sure how to feel, what to pray. You'd think you could think of something in this sort of situation, but there's a shock and numbing that comes. All you can do is watch, occasionally cry, and groan.
I don't know what to think. I want to be there. I want to help.
God, I don't care too much about the why, I understand we live in a fallen world and I trust in your grace and mercy, but I do want to know why now. I'm trapped here with my life, school, work, the house and a semester that still has eight weeks to go. There is no room for movement in my life right now. No possibility, opportunity, or option to go. To help. Even if I have nothing more to offer than my heart and my hands.
"No matter what, I'm gonna love you
No matter what, I'm gonna seek you
I know that you could find a way to keep me from the pain
but if not, if not, I'll trust you, no matter what."
--MovingGirl
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Strain
We all knew this post was coming, the one that exclaims frustration and anger and anxiety. The one that says we have three weeks to make our house sellable. Where I talk about all the angry discussions, the upset people, and stressed-out, horrid uncertainty.
I hate this. This anger and fear. When you know how you should act in all of these situations, but can't help acting else-wise. I'm so frustrated.
There are so many things that make me feel the need to cry, to scream, to give up. And it's Spring break. Suddenly cabin fever hits, you want out, you want done. You want Spring. March has always been the worst month for me. You look behind you and see only darkness and snow and eight weeks of school; ahead is another eight weeks, another two months, another long time of snow.
I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm weak. I'm scared. Because I know I'm weak. And I'm worried about my spiritual state. I want to remain strong through this...but I can't.
It keeps me humble.
But it's hard.
This is my season of the night. The outer rim of the eye of the storm, that threatens to sink me if I don't hold on to God.
This storm has a good two months left.
Jesus help me.
--MovingGirl
I hate this. This anger and fear. When you know how you should act in all of these situations, but can't help acting else-wise. I'm so frustrated.
There are so many things that make me feel the need to cry, to scream, to give up. And it's Spring break. Suddenly cabin fever hits, you want out, you want done. You want Spring. March has always been the worst month for me. You look behind you and see only darkness and snow and eight weeks of school; ahead is another eight weeks, another two months, another long time of snow.
I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm weak. I'm scared. Because I know I'm weak. And I'm worried about my spiritual state. I want to remain strong through this...but I can't.
It keeps me humble.
But it's hard.
This is my season of the night. The outer rim of the eye of the storm, that threatens to sink me if I don't hold on to God.
This storm has a good two months left.
Jesus help me.
--MovingGirl
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Finding a new church
Can't really start looking until we actually know where we are going to live and we can't do that till we get a job and we can't do that until we get down to TN/KY, and we won't do that until we sell our house, and we can't sell our house till we get it ready.
So it seems a little premature to be curious about churches and places of worship. But finding a new church home can be just as important as finding a house. It is your connection with other believers, it is a source of fellowship, service, and community. A place to call home, to have a pastor, to learn and grow in an environment that encourages it. A place to return to from outreach missions and to share what God is doing with other believers.
And looking for churches down there has depressed me. They just aren't MY church. I've grown up with ChangePoint. We got here in '98 and have been going ever since, so although we weren't there from the beginning, we have been there for a long time. I have the fondest memories from the old Sentry campus, when it was called Grace Community, and the fun the youth group had there. Our auditorium was a basketball court. It was great.And then we moved to the current campus (with a couple years in transition at Dimond High), and that was great, too. We grew and grew and the fellowship grew and it is great. Our teaching pastors are gifted and have raised me on a firm foundation of theologically solid gospel.The ministries are amazing, and the people my family. I love being able to go to any of the four services and see tons of people I know. To say hi, catch up, and encourage each other.
I love that I see them as family, and Sunday morning is a privilege and exciting part of my day. Our worship team rocks and they help me enter into a sublime time of worship every Sunday. I love that we will have the most contemporary songs and then an old hymn or two mixed in. It's great. It's not just contemporary or just hymns.
It's big, it has problems, and the people there aren't perfect so I fit right in. I know that at any time I could approach almost any of the leaders there with a problem and they'd pray with me right then and there. I love that there is an atmosphere of community and that people of all ages, race, sex, and social status attend. I LOVE the diversity.
It is my home.
And now I am moving. Under God's direction, yes, but moving all the same. I will miss my church family more than I will miss my house. They are my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.
So my comfortable atmosphere, my little bubble of fellowship is about to expand, change, and the idea of different traditions, different theology, different worship, teaching, people that speak in southern accents...it's a bit unnerving. I'm not upset about it, or worried, but there is a period of mourning I have to go through. It is a loss of sorts. It just is.
And so I don't mean to focus on the negative aspects of it because I know about all the positive and am DEFINITELY excited about the cool things coming, but there is a mourning.
I'm going to cry on the drive out. I know it...but right now, it's like it's finally hitting me; how much I'm leaving. How much I'm going to miss. And I want to cry now.
--MovingGirl
So it seems a little premature to be curious about churches and places of worship. But finding a new church home can be just as important as finding a house. It is your connection with other believers, it is a source of fellowship, service, and community. A place to call home, to have a pastor, to learn and grow in an environment that encourages it. A place to return to from outreach missions and to share what God is doing with other believers.
And looking for churches down there has depressed me. They just aren't MY church. I've grown up with ChangePoint. We got here in '98 and have been going ever since, so although we weren't there from the beginning, we have been there for a long time. I have the fondest memories from the old Sentry campus, when it was called Grace Community, and the fun the youth group had there. Our auditorium was a basketball court. It was great.And then we moved to the current campus (with a couple years in transition at Dimond High), and that was great, too. We grew and grew and the fellowship grew and it is great. Our teaching pastors are gifted and have raised me on a firm foundation of theologically solid gospel.The ministries are amazing, and the people my family. I love being able to go to any of the four services and see tons of people I know. To say hi, catch up, and encourage each other.
I love that I see them as family, and Sunday morning is a privilege and exciting part of my day. Our worship team rocks and they help me enter into a sublime time of worship every Sunday. I love that we will have the most contemporary songs and then an old hymn or two mixed in. It's great. It's not just contemporary or just hymns.
It's big, it has problems, and the people there aren't perfect so I fit right in. I know that at any time I could approach almost any of the leaders there with a problem and they'd pray with me right then and there. I love that there is an atmosphere of community and that people of all ages, race, sex, and social status attend. I LOVE the diversity.
It is my home.
And now I am moving. Under God's direction, yes, but moving all the same. I will miss my church family more than I will miss my house. They are my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.
So my comfortable atmosphere, my little bubble of fellowship is about to expand, change, and the idea of different traditions, different theology, different worship, teaching, people that speak in southern accents...it's a bit unnerving. I'm not upset about it, or worried, but there is a period of mourning I have to go through. It is a loss of sorts. It just is.
And so I don't mean to focus on the negative aspects of it because I know about all the positive and am DEFINITELY excited about the cool things coming, but there is a mourning.
I'm going to cry on the drive out. I know it...but right now, it's like it's finally hitting me; how much I'm leaving. How much I'm going to miss. And I want to cry now.
--MovingGirl
Friday, March 4, 2011
Egypt
With everything that is going on in the middle east right now you can hardly check your email without something popping up in an ad, news report, or chain letter. Not that I get chain letters, I was trying to be inclusive.
Anyway, as a curious citizen of a country that has some claim to a need to follow these events, and as a Christian, I did some research. I get the emails from Generals International and have followed up on the words they have been sending, and listening to several Morningstar Ministries videos and newsletters discussing it. And the conclusion I come to is this:
Something is happening in Egypt that has been predicted, not just recently, but for thousands of years. The Bible discusses a time when there will be a highway and an altar in Egypt. Here:
Isaiah 19:19-25. KJV
19In that day shall there be an altar to the LORD in the midst of the land of Egypt, and a pillar at the border thereof to the LORD.
20And it shall be for a sign and for a witness unto the LORD of hosts in the land of Egypt: for they shall cry unto the LORD because of the oppressors, and he shall send them a saviour, and a great one, and he shall deliver them.
21And the LORD shall be known to Egypt, and the Egyptians shall know the LORD in that day, and shall do sacrifice and oblation; yea, they shall vow a vow unto the LORD, and perform it.
22And the LORD shall smite Egypt: he shall smite and heal it: and they shall return even to the LORD, and he shall be intreated of them, and shall heal them.
23In that day shall there be a highway out of Egypt to Assyria, and the Assyrian shall come into Egypt, and the Egyptian into Assyria, and the Egyptians shall serve with the Assyrians.
24In that day shall Israel be the third with Egypt and with Assyria, even a blessing in the midst of the land:
25Whom the LORD of hosts shall bless, saying, Blessed be Egypt my people, and Assyria the work of my hands, and Israel mine inheritance.
So if that isn't cool, I came across another prophecy about Egypt that I'd forgotten about in the book Journal of the Unknown Prophet. Because I am too lazy to check out copyright laws (and I always feel obligated to) I am just going to basically paraphrase instead of posting the whole thing:
Egypt is commissioned by God to carry his message to their people. His people. And there will be a great outpouring in Egypt and the Arab countries that will "rise in the streets and behind closed doors, and a great rush of My Spirit shall roar and my gospel shall yet be proclaimed." (Journal otUP; pg. 143).
I'm personally excited to see the good that will come from this, to see the Savior that will arise for Egypt to save them from the oppressors, and I am honored to live in a time when I can be praying for these people, and for the fulfillment of God's word.
It's just cool.
And Israel. I never realized how many people believe that the Western church has replaced Israel...where in the world do they get that idea???? I just don't understand it. Maybe I'm weird like that and it just won't sink in but I believe God when he says Israel is his nation, his people. And that when he says everlasting he means everlasting. I am absolutely for the defending of Israel, the protection of Israel, friendship with Israel, and pure support of Israel. I'm nineteen years old. A student. Living in Alaska. With my family. Churched all my life. And in love with God. I want my heart to love and desire what he desires. And Israel is his Chosen. His CHOSEN.
--MovingGirl
Anyway, as a curious citizen of a country that has some claim to a need to follow these events, and as a Christian, I did some research. I get the emails from Generals International and have followed up on the words they have been sending, and listening to several Morningstar Ministries videos and newsletters discussing it. And the conclusion I come to is this:
Something is happening in Egypt that has been predicted, not just recently, but for thousands of years. The Bible discusses a time when there will be a highway and an altar in Egypt. Here:
Isaiah 19:19-25. KJV
19In that day shall there be an altar to the LORD in the midst of the land of Egypt, and a pillar at the border thereof to the LORD.
20And it shall be for a sign and for a witness unto the LORD of hosts in the land of Egypt: for they shall cry unto the LORD because of the oppressors, and he shall send them a saviour, and a great one, and he shall deliver them.
21And the LORD shall be known to Egypt, and the Egyptians shall know the LORD in that day, and shall do sacrifice and oblation; yea, they shall vow a vow unto the LORD, and perform it.
22And the LORD shall smite Egypt: he shall smite and heal it: and they shall return even to the LORD, and he shall be intreated of them, and shall heal them.
23In that day shall there be a highway out of Egypt to Assyria, and the Assyrian shall come into Egypt, and the Egyptian into Assyria, and the Egyptians shall serve with the Assyrians.
24In that day shall Israel be the third with Egypt and with Assyria, even a blessing in the midst of the land:
25Whom the LORD of hosts shall bless, saying, Blessed be Egypt my people, and Assyria the work of my hands, and Israel mine inheritance.
So if that isn't cool, I came across another prophecy about Egypt that I'd forgotten about in the book Journal of the Unknown Prophet. Because I am too lazy to check out copyright laws (and I always feel obligated to) I am just going to basically paraphrase instead of posting the whole thing:
Egypt is commissioned by God to carry his message to their people. His people. And there will be a great outpouring in Egypt and the Arab countries that will "rise in the streets and behind closed doors, and a great rush of My Spirit shall roar and my gospel shall yet be proclaimed." (Journal otUP; pg. 143).
I'm personally excited to see the good that will come from this, to see the Savior that will arise for Egypt to save them from the oppressors, and I am honored to live in a time when I can be praying for these people, and for the fulfillment of God's word.
It's just cool.
And Israel. I never realized how many people believe that the Western church has replaced Israel...where in the world do they get that idea???? I just don't understand it. Maybe I'm weird like that and it just won't sink in but I believe God when he says Israel is his nation, his people. And that when he says everlasting he means everlasting. I am absolutely for the defending of Israel, the protection of Israel, friendship with Israel, and pure support of Israel. I'm nineteen years old. A student. Living in Alaska. With my family. Churched all my life. And in love with God. I want my heart to love and desire what he desires. And Israel is his Chosen. His CHOSEN.
--MovingGirl
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