The title is a bit of a play on words that a good friend of mine introduced, allowing me to lighten up for a moment.
I never realized how selfish I was until someone close passed away. And he wasn't even that close. But I never experienced this before. This numbness that comes from forcing myself away from my emotions.
It's not peace.
I woke up this morning in a half-dream state saw myself as this apathetic, cruel monster that everyone around feared because I cared about nothing.
It scared me.
And I'm back to being selfish. All I can think about is MY loss. How I feel. MY confusion. Although in the grace period of initial shock I was able to pray for the family. But now it is like my heart feels nothing.
There is a manwha, a korean manga that I read once, in which there were characters that were like gods, or demons, I guess, that the people feared. They were dark, apathetic, uncaring. I woke up this morning and felt like one.
I don't know what to think. I've never thought I would ever ask the selfish question "WHY?!"
I always gave pat answers and general ideas of what it is like to lose someone...but there really aren't words to describe it.
I'm ignoring myself, the circumstances. I didn't sleep at all last night. And opened my eyes this morning wide awake, not caring, in a half-dream state that scared me.
And all I can think is that I either heard God wrong, or didn't have enough faith. And my pride is telling me it could be my fault. But the problem is that I only know that up here, in my head, I understand exactly what is going on and what I would say if it were someone else. But it hasn't reached my heart yet. I haven't let it.
All I know is I'm numb.
I need Jesus. That's the only thought I'm letting through.
Jesus, I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you.
And all my tears just gave me a headache. Abba. Abba. Why?
--MovingGirl
I saw the news on my facebook page
ReplyDeleteMy eyes widened my jaw dropped
My heart stopped as I made my way
To the living room floor.
I laid down on it, shock and a state
Of utter panic and helplessness
Not sure where to turn, what to do
Who to run to because Abba wasn’t there.
I lie there for a while until tears
Started to flow down my cheeks
Onto my shirt, washing the carpet
For the second time this week.
My heart was so heavy
My heart hurt so much
My prayers hadn’t worked
The pain was too much.
I cried and cried, I wept.
Body racked with sobs
Too deep for human understanding
Groans that uttered the sounds
Of a tormented heart, spirit.
Why, why why, my Abba, my Abba
All of that time and those prayers
I prayed and spent hours
On my knees for Dennis.
Wordless cries, groans
My heart torn in two
And Why? I know not besides
The fact that this much pain hurts.
I lie there twenty minutes, an hour
I don’t know how long it took
Till my head took over
And my heart started to close.
I did my chores amidst tears
The shock making movement
And action so slow as I emptied
The trash and went to my car.
I sat in the driveway for what
Seemed forever before
Making my way to Emilee’s
To meet her for dinner.
I got out of the car and walked
The driveway so short this time
And Emilee met me, hugged me
And whispered sweet nothings.
How long we stood there
I know not but it grew cold
My heart or the weather,
I have no idea.
We went to the car, sat down
She leaned on my shoulder
I stared out the window
At the grayness outside.
A whisper, a prayer, a song
Tongues and tears again
As I grew quieter and quieter
Inside as my heart grew cold.
I whispered the truths into the air
I sang songs of praise to the king
But my heart sat heavy in despair
As my soul grieved with suffering.
How long, how long, must we hold on
To the futile and fruitless promises
I asked of Abba, and all he gave me
Was a line from the song that I sing.
“For his promise will endure
And his joy’s gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
The joy comes with the morning.”
But I went to bed, not to sleep,
last night and my heart grew colder
my mind grew darker and apathy
took its place.
What joy in the morning
Besides my need for my Jesus
And all I could say to start the day
Was “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”
I’m ignoring myself
And the circumstances
Didn’t sleep, got up this morning
Wide awake, not caring.
In a half-dream state that scared me
I saw myself, a demon with no heart
That the people feared
For the apathetic figure.
And all I can think
Is that I heard God wrong
Or didn’t have enough faith
Or belief in his word.
And my pride is telling me
That it could be my fault
As if the outcome was
Dependent on me.
But the problem is
That I know it in my head
But it hasn’t reached my heart
Because I haven’t let it.
All I know is I'm numb
and I need Jesus, that's the only
thought I'm letting through
Jesus, I need you. I need you.
So my heart went cold
And my heart stopped its weeping,
All my tears just gave me a headache…
Abba. Abba. Why?