Senses

Have you ever had a desire...for something that makes your heart ache? To the point where your every thought, both awake and asleep is consumed by it?
It's odd, like you hear people talking about this type of thing a lot, maybe it's a person or a vacation, or a job. But you never actually think about yourself desiring something that bad.
To me, I've always been a dreamer but that is exactly how far it goes. I always dream about things but would never expect them to come true or anything.
So I think that's why I never seem to really believe anything until it's happening and I'm in the moment. Like when I went to Costa Rica in 9th grade for a mission's trip. I spent half a year preparing for it, memorizing dances and skits and plays, doing bible studies and spending time with the group. But it wasn't until we touched down on the airstrip in CR that it hit me.
Maybe that's how it will be with my desire now. It won't be until it happens that it will feel like more than a dream. But in the mean time it hurts. It's extremely frustrating. I don't know how it could or will happen, or even when.
It feels so elusive in this very solid world I live in where things like this just don't happen.
Change.
It's coming with our move. But just like this desire I have right now, the move very likely won't feel real until I'm actually in TN/KY. It's almost like CR in that way. Half a year preparing and it won't hit until I'm there. So will the preparations for this other desire be similar? Half a year? Two years? Three, four, ten?
And I'm not a patient person. So I ignore the desire as best as possible, push it down so it won't rise up, but like I said earlier, it then consumes my thoughts. I space out at times, thinking about it.
So for now I let it remain a dream, but a dream that stays with me while awake. I wonder if I will feel weary by the time the desire finally comes my way.
It's like a cancer growing in my heart. It's taken root.
I think maybe I need to give it up and let God uproot it. Because right now, I can barely focus on him.
It's frustrating.
Japan. It's consuming me.