Magnify

I wonder why I write this...

Haven't typed in a while because I've been in a place where I act fine but I'm not. I have major problems, and sometimes those problems sneak up and bite me and I am lying wounded, and lost for days.

This is what it looks like:
I'm walking the path with Jesus, and it's good, but tough. I look over and see another path running parellel to the one I'm on, I wave at Jesus and jump over to the other one, completely defiant, thinking I'm going to try this one for a while, even knowing it's wrong. I smile back at Jesus, and keep walking, but soon, before I know it, my steps are coming slower and slower, and my smile turns. I look down at my feet to see me trudging through mud and Jesus on the other path suddenly seems so far away. Then suddenly I can move no more and I just start sinking. I keep sinking because I'm struggling to get out (like quicksand) on my own, and the more I do so the more I fall. It never occurs to me to call out for help because I got myself into this mess. Then I'm under...lost, in a dark, cold pit where I can't breathe, can't see. Can't even cry out for help.
And in reality I can't look at my eyes any more because they scare me.
So I'm drowning in a pit of my own making, and I usually sit there for several days. Until something wakes me up to the fact that there is an arm in front of me that has been there all along...God just waiting for me to acknowledge him. He pulls me out, and then begins our journey back to the path I'm supposed to be on.

It scares me sometimes, how easy it is to fall back. How simple it is to ignore the chains slowly growing stronger, binding you to what God has already set you free from. I don't want to be in bondage to the dark anymore. I let it have three years of my life, I'm only a year free.

I've realized, now, that sometimes I can recognize it. The darkness in other people. I can see the bondage at times. Know what it is and understand where they are at. I don't know what to think of this new-found realization. Or what to do with it. I can pray for the people, I suppose.

God is really, really good. And it just seems to magnify my badness at times. Thankfully he loves me in spite of it all.

I'm visionary as much as I am visual. I thrive with changes, and work well with objectives. I'm interactive and a people person, but at the same time need my alone time. This move seems to be tearing me apart. I'm just hoping it's God's hands doing the pulling, and that it will be God's hands that put me back together again.

--MovingGirl