19 is a lifetime

It's not my birthday or anything of the sort, 19 is no special age or anything. But I was angry today as I faced temptation that took me back to what I literally call my "dark and dirty" days. I was scared, because unlike before, after the transformation God had done in my life, setting me free from that crap, I was actually able to enter back into it! Before, even if I wished to send myself back there I couldn't. COULD NOT. There was something preventing me, but last night, today, I was able, and I did. For a brief moment I was back in it before I came to my senses.
Scared. So scared. I thought those days were over, done, gone. Impossible to return to. But they aren't. My grace period is over and they now exist again.
And I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to have this in my life.
My 19 years have not been the 19 years everyone sees. I've done horrendous things spiritually that I look at today and see how mighty the deliverance was. But now I am allowed to enter it again. I thought I never would. I now have no buffer. And I have to make those choices.
And I'm scared because I'm so weak, that I know how easy it would be to enter that again. And I'm angry that I have this weakness. That I am like this. Why? Why? Am I the only one or are there others who have had to deal with this. This type of darkness.
No one can ever understand it until they have experienced it. That is why I feel so alone in this. Because no one I know has ever had to deal with this.
You don't know what you are capable of until you enter it.
And I've entered it. The Apathy that sucks your soul dry. That's dirtier and darker than witchcraft because you don't care anymore. About anything.
It's so deep, that unless God himself had stepped in and intervened, I have no idea where I'd be today, and I don't mean that I might not be alive, I mean that I might be dead spiritually.
In so deep that God himself had to come in and shatter the chains. Because my heart had grown so cold, that I was almost dead, spiritually.
No one knows how much a person can accumulate in 19 years. My past is not pretty, it is not beautiful, it is ugly and dark. The only reason I can look on it now is because the blood of Jesus covers over a multitude of sins.
But it's scary...when you realize that what you thought was gone forever is shoved back in your face.
And I know that God was the one who removed the restraint that prevented me from going back...so I know it's in his plans...but
I'm scared of myself. I'm so scared. Because I don't ever want to be there again, but the part of my soul that is human, still has those dark longings. And I don't know if my faith and relationship is strong enough.
Father, Abba, please don't let me go back!! Hold onto me, please!!! PLEASE!!!
Please.
Please.
Don't let me go back...
I'm so scared.

--MovingGirl
If anyone reads this, please pray for me. Please.