Is it really warfare? Relax? Really? My heart is heavy with too many things...
I keep thinking...what's next? How long? Purpose?
Does anybody out there truly know what it is to move like we have for the reasons we have? I am so faithless that I need somebody to tell me how they did it. How they made it through and that it is going to be alright.
I pray each day before I go to walmart that God would allow me to be a blessing to someone, that he would be with me through my day, and that my armor would be on straight. Or on at all. Because the only way I make it through the day is with his help. Period. Working at walmart isn't hard. It is the working there with a joyful heart and a smile on my face. Somehow I do it every day with his help. But it is SO dificult for me, the spoiled brat. I come from a job where the hours and schedule were flexible, where I could talk directly to my boss and my schedule was planned out for a month in advance and I pretty much knew what it would be. Regular. Here at walmart I never know what shift it will be and they are different every day. After spending so much time with my family the past two months I miss them and truth be told HATE coming home at the end of the day late at night, 10, 11, or even 12am. My family is too tired to do anything together and so we all go to bed. I'm the only one with a job right now, and not for lack of trying on my dad's part. He works full time applying for places.
I feel like I'm missing my purpose, the reason I'm here. What am I supposed to be doing? Surely something? And yet when I feel the need to pray I don't even know what to pray for...its like there is so much that needs to happen here in Kentucky I don't know where to start. And the church here is SOOOO stuck on itself. There's a church on every corner and Everyone's a Christian for going to one. They all say yes, ma'am, and invite you to church while they are buying condoms for their extramarital sex. Yes, you see these things at wallys. (they call walmart that here...lol). Lot's of talk but nothing seems to happen. It's like people here just...settle. They don't go above and beyond or out of their way for Jesus. They do what is expected and normal and move on. Where do I find the followers my age? The ones who haven't been sold reformed theology and are calvanistic in thinking...the university is getting swept with reformed theology which totally denies the price of the cross. The young people here are either one or the other. Okay not really.
My feelings are crap, aren't they. Something's brewing. I knew it which is why had to write. Been to long...
Tomorrow is another long shift at work with a evening gone in my six-day work week. Thanksgiving is coming up. Saw Casting Crowns, The Afters, Sanctus Real...Mark H. talked about thanksgiving in storms (for their song) and I know it here in my head. I really really do. But it's still far from my heart.
But here goes anyway.
Jesus, thank you for my health, and my car. Thank you for the income I receive from this job and for the chance to be at the concert. You could have had me work late. Thank you also for the fact that my family and I all have food to eat and a place to live. We are sooo rich compared to others. Thank you for allowing me the outlet of writing. And for our laptops and mifi. It would be impossible without them. And thank you for my bed, to which I'm heading now. Please give me a good night sleep so I can be energized tomorrow. I love you, I really, really, do.
Train me well in your deep wisdom,
I just want to be with You.
--MovingGirl
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